Hi mommas. I am desperate need of a venting session and hubby is currently sleeping...

Background: My beautiful daughter, Evelyn Faith, was born on Nov 8. I love her too pieces and can't imagine life without her.

Here are the things that did not go according to plan:

1. I got an epidural. Okay..not a big deal. I was in pain, I needed it. But I wanted to go without if possible.

2. I had a rough delivery. Doctor had to use vacuum, forceps, and gave me an episiotomy.

3. Breastfeeding isn't happening. Evelyn latched beautifully at the hospital but refused once we got home. We saw the lactation consultant and did everything she said. Nothing worked. We switched to formula. It was giving both Evelyn and I anxiety to breastfeed. I tried pumping for her. It hurt sooooo bad. And when I fed my milk to her, she didn't drink it as well as her formula. I also hated that it took time away from my baby.

4. I just gave her a pacifier. I am not an advocate for pacifiers. I think that many people use them as an excuse to not deal with their children and just stick one in their mouth. But after 4 hours...yes 4 hours...of trying to get Evelyn to stay asleep, there was no other option I could think of. I grit my teeth, opened and cleaned it, and gave it to her. Seems to be helping so far. But I don't want her to grow dependent on it.

So, mommas, if you made it this far, I feel like a failure. Nothing has gone the way I planned for my baby. Nothing at all. I'm sitting here at 12:15 am in tears, trying to be the best mommy to this little girl that I can be and I feel like a complete failure.

If you feel that way too, lets chat. I don't have any mommy friends near me that I can turn to. So I need this community to lean on.