Dear Grieving Mother,

I wanted to write this here so that maybe I can help someone in pain, just like me.

On the 8th of October, just 3 days after my birthday, my husband and I went to the OBGYN for our 14 week check up. She put gel on my belly and proceeded with the scan. As soon as the screen came up, I knew something was wrong. She took what felt like a lifetime moving the machine across my belly. She gently put it down and went out the room to call another doctor, who also proceeded to check me. I looked at my husbands face, and I knew he knew it too as he put the camera away and walked to my side, holding my hand tightly, so I didn’t fall through the craps of my despair.

And then those words that haunt every bereaved mother. “There is no heart beat”.

The OB explained, that I had suffered a missed miscarriage due to what appeared on the scans to be a partial molar pregnancy. This happens when 2 sperms fertilize 1 egg, generating a baby with 69 chromosomes. The mole affects the placenta, where grape like cysts develop, enveloping everything in its path. Something that if left untreated or monitored can turn cancerous.

She explained everything gently, and sent us home for the night, to process everything and to return to the hospital once I was ready.

The next day, we drove to the hospital, where I was admitted to the most difficult process I’ve ever had to endure. Because I live in a country where abortion is illegal, the medication that is used to induce labour is what is used on 9 month pregnant women with soft cervixes. So they began by inserting 3 tablets every 4 hours into my vagina to try stimulate the cervix to open so that I could deliver my sweet angel.

This continued for 28 hours, all whilst monitoring my bloods. My cervix was not opening. They then inserted a catheter up my cervix, my husbands hand turning blue as o squeezed him from the pain. Another 24 hours went by, my cervix had still not opened.

They then put me on oxytocin, every 30 minutes increasing the dose. Up and up the dose went and as the contractions increased. It took 8 hours to open my cervix by 2 cm, just enough for the doctor to perform an emergency DNC as I was utterly exhausted.

The doctor insisted she got it all out, and sent the tissue of the baby in for genetic testing. Every week, I would have to come in for blood work to check my HCG levels go down, as the cysts mimic this pregnancy hormone and skyrocket it.

The genetic testing came back, and the baby was normal. An even rarer case, to have a baby with a normal chromosomal count and having a partial molar. We found out it was a baby girl 🌸

You see, nothing can prepare you in life for the loss of a child. We were going to have a baby, but I got cancer instead.

I wrote this to spread the awareness of molar and partial molar pregnancy, in memory of my little angel. And I pray for strength for each and every one of us, both parents who have lost a child.