Failing at Breastfeeding rant

No body talks about it but it’s something many new moms struggle with. They don’t prepare you for this possibility. They talk about all the other issues and topics throughly, SIDs, shaken baby, diaper changes, and bath time. they prepare you for so many situations but no body prepares you for the possibility that you might not be able to feed you baby.

In the 4 classes I took, 2 birthing, 1 child care, and 1 breastfeeding, not one person mentioned the possibility of low milk supply, or delayed lactation. No one prepared me for the reality I had to face. Not to sound dramatic but because no one prepared me for this I almost lost my newborn son.

I thought I was doing everything right, he would cry, i would check his diaper, not wet I would breastfeed him. He would calm down and go to sleep. I thought he was getting food, I thought he was full until the next time he woke up. Then we would repeat this process. I thought I was doing everything right. 

Until we went to his one week check-up and discovered he had lost 17% his birth weight, this isn’t normal, normal weight lost is 6-10% and a weight gain by week one. We where immediately admitted to the ER for dehydration, breathing apnea, and high sodium level. I had to watch my 1 week old baby be poked and prodded by needles, hooked up to machines, and have 4-5 nurses surrounding him and working furiously on him to get his fluids up quickly. I spent 3 days sleeping on a chair in the pediatrics ward of the hospital with my newborn hooked up to wires and machines, not allowed to hold my baby for too long, or attempt to feed my baby. I had to bottle feed my baby with formula. I spent 3 days in the pediatrics ward feeling like I failed, like I starved my baby, like I was a horrible mother. 

Eventually I realized there was no way I could have known he wasn’t getting the milk he needed, no way I could have known I wasn’t producing milk, no way I could have known I had a low supply. No one told me this was a possibility, no one told me the signs to look out for, no one talked about this at all.

Now here I am, Jackson is almost a month old and I am trying every supplement, ever resource, everything possible to get my milk supply up. I am frustrated, sad, and tired. Sometimes those feelings on failure creep back in but I try to push them away and push forward, pumping, feeding, taking supplements, drinking water, eating the right foods. I’m trying to celebrate my small victories, another milliliter of milk, a good latch, a milk let down feeling. I’m trying to stay positive, trying to focus on the good. 

But the sad reality is, I may never be able to breastfeed my son, something I so desperately wanted to be able to do. No one prepared me for this reality.