Why am I like this?????

So for the past month, my boyfriend and I have talked about having sex. And everytime we’re about to start, I get scared and say no.... like as soon as we’re about to start..

I don’t know if it has to do with my childhood and the abuse... but I just want to let myself go.

My boyfriend says he understands and is ready when I am. I just feel like I’m annoying him or aggravating him by doing that.

Why am I like this??