My emotions got the best of me ☹️

I’m going to try and keep this short and to the point but I doubt that will happen. If you have the time to read, please do. I’m feeling like the worst mother in the world.

I’m also posting anonymously because sometimes the criticism in this group is a lot to handle. And I already feel bad enough.

I have a 14 yr old stepdaughter (SD), 4 year old daughter (with hubby) and we are expecting a baby boy in March. My hubby got full custody and my SD has been living with us for a year now. We go through the typical teenage stuff with her; not cleaning up after herself, room and bathroom always a mess, have to tell her a million times to do her chores, sassy mouth, etc. I guess everything has been slowly chipping away at me because I freakin lost it this morning. First it started with her not getting up for school. This happens ALL THE TIME and she constantly misses the bus to school. Then she couldn’t find her keys. A few days ago she left them in the door so I just knew it happened again and someone now had the keys to our house. So her dad and I go searching through her room trying to find the keys because I was going to be gone by the time she got home from school. I open a drawer and I find an old bowl of food. Mind you, I told both of the kids multiple times NO FOOD IN THE ROOMS. PERIOD. I had been finding all kinds of food wrappers, banana peels, etc and to me that’s absolutely disgusting and the last thing I want is ants in the house. So I bring the bowl to my Hubby’s attention and he’s just whatever about it. And of course I’m livid because this isn’t the first time this has happened. Then I’m looking for my 4 yr olds nebulizer so I can give her a breathing treatment before school and I ask my hubby where it is. No response. I walk down the hallway and ask again and he’s like “I’m looking for it!” so I tell him it would be nice if he could respond next time. Then he’s like “what’s up with you this past week?! You’ve been an a-hole. You’re just mean! Always yelling about something” (First off, this morning was the first time I’ve yelled in I don’t know how long). Before I could even realize what happened I screamed “Well I’m sorry for being pregnant, dealing with everything and expressing how I feel” He started to say something and I screamed “Just shut up!” and slammed the door. All in front of my 4 year old. And then I proceeded to tell him that since I can’t express how I feel in this house without being an a-hole, then they (him and my SD) can fend for themselves because I’m tired of it. I don’t feel bad for what I said, I feel like it’s been a long time coming but I feel like absolute crap that it happened in front of my 4 year old. As I was setting up her machine afterwards I had to hold back tears just due to the frustration and guilt I felt. And I could tell it affected her because her body language was so different. Her head was down, she wouldn’t look me in the eye. That broke my soul. I still gave hugs and kisses before she left and she seemed ok (this was about 10 minutes after). She said bye mommy and waved when they left. But I still feel like I need to explain (at a 4 yr old level) what happened and apologize to her.