Closing the door, and locking it.

For 2 years, I felt like I was begging my partner to love me. This lead to me cheating on him in 2016. He found out, and proposed to me 2 weeks later, saying things will change between us. For the next few months I felt like I had my old partner back. We never fought, we got closer, and I felt us re connect. It was the first time in years that I'd felt love from him. But as soon as it came, it went. We got a house and a dog by the summer of 2017. I felt him distance himself from me again. In June of 2017, I had a miscarriage. It was like he was disconnected from reality. He said "I wasn't ready to be a father anyway" while I'm grieving the loss of our unborn child. He went from "I want to marry you and start a life with you" to nothing. Disconnected. Fast forward to summer of this year. I started working a third job to distract myself. Our relationship was back to before, devoid of love, and I was tired of feeling like someone he just shared a bed with at night. So I broke up with him. At least I tried to. It was 2 weeks before my birthday, and I kinda wanted to almost treat myself by leaving him. As weird as that sounds, the only thing I wanted for my birthday was to leave him and be happy by myself. When I broke up with him, he got angry and left. I called my best friend, told her that I was coming over and that we were celebrating, but I heard his car pull back into my driveway. He comes in and for he next 3 hours, begs me to stay with him. He tells me that what I did to him was unfair and that he deserves another chance. For 3 hours he wouldn't let me touch my phone, he wouldn't leave, and he wouldn't let me leave without me saying that I'd stay with him. By the end of it I was tired. I gave in. I said I'd take him back on the condition that he would show the same effort for the rest of our time together that he just showed in the last 3 hours to keep me from leaving him. He agreed. And he did for a while. He made me a cake for my birthday, that I'd been begging him to make for years. Things were okay between us, but you know what they say, a cigarette never tastes the same after its been re lit.

So now we're here. And he's back to his old ways. Almost New Years. And as a gift to myself, I think my resolution is going to be to realize my self worth, and leave him, for good this time. Because nobody deserves someone they have to beg to feel emotions. So cheers to the New Year, the year of self love and realizing that I can do better than a man who only wants me as I'm walking out the door.

Edit; I never physically cheated on him, but I was texting another man and technically emotionally cheating on him. Cheating is never right and in no way do I feel like my actions are justified but it felt nice getting positive attention.