I cannot believe you are gone. This heartache I can no longer take. Please come back. I don't want to look at pictures of you, just to see your beautiful face. I don't want to replay home videos just to hear your voice. Just so I wont forget what your voice sounds like. I miss your laughs, I miss your touch, your "I love you"s, miss your advices. I even miss the lectures you would give me when i messed up. The list is long. I miss everything, I Miss YOU!

Not only did I lose you, I also lost a part of me. I'm struggling to get myself back together. But I came to realize I will never be the old me, as I know life will never be the same as before. So here I am trying to find myself again, trying to live each day with this gap in my heart. I know you hate to see me like this. Trust me, I hate it too! But I'm trying mom. For my children, for my family, for ME. Trying not to fall into depression, trying to float.

It feels like a never ending nightmare but its only been a year & 7mths. The heartache is still so fresh, they say time heals. That's a lie. I cannot believe you are gone!!

You did not deserve to die the way you did. I saw you slowly dying for 2 years, in excruciating pain. I felt hopeless & fustrated. Couldn't do anything to save you. No, I don't blame cancer.

I blame this so call "god". You been a christian since you were little, you believed in god and his miracles with everything you got. Why the fuck did he give you cancer? They say god was working through you to ahow the people that miracles do exist. Well where the fuck was this miracle? He didnt save you, he took you away from us. What is this so call miracle? Fuck this so call god. Im sorry mom, but I cannot help to feel this way.

Please come home mom. Dad misses you, its heartwrenching to see him without you. My sister misses her best friend. Afterall you two were like glue. My brother misses you too. Im sure even if he doesnt show it. Your grandchildren will never forget you. I should know. My daughter, your only granddaughter, talks about you all the time. She still picks up flowers from other people yard and puts in a small vase, brings it to your house. She remembers you and I will make sure to always talk about you. Im currently 8mths pregnant. Its been hard. I hope you got to meet your grandson. And as much as I would have loved to get a homemade blanket from you, I just wish you were here in person, especially when i give birth. Well mom, enough crying for today. Time to smile and find inner strength. Afterall each day that passes by is another day closer to be next to you!

Te amo mami!! 💖