how do you get over it?

i don’t even know if i was raped. i had just turned 13 and he was 18/19. he would wait for my mom to go to work or my sister to get in the shower and we would have sex. i was going through a lot and he let me confide in him. he also knew i had a little kid “crush” on him. i let it happen. i didn’t even recognize a real problem with what happened until i was about 15 or 16. now i turn 19 in two days and i think the pain and anger i’m experiencing is coming from what happened. my whole life is fucked, my family and everything in between. but that situation fucked me up. after i told my mom what was going on shit hit the fan. i stopped eating, all i would do for weeks was throw up and cry before we went to the doctor and i was diagnosed with severe panic/anxiety disorder and depression. now i’m at a point where i want to kill myself, feeling a level of depression i’ve never felt before and i’m so angry. anything will set me off. i’m pushing people away. i don’t know why that situation fucked me up as bad as it did but it did. six years later, i’m still holding onto it. i want to know why it happened, i want to know if i was raped or not, i want to know why he let it happen, why he wanted it, why did i let it happen, why didn’t i tell my counselor what happened after it happened, why didn’t i ever get proper help for what happened, is that even what’s causing the pain i’m feeling now, why am i in so much pain. i’m so confused and hurt and everything hurts me now. i feel like i’m crumbling as a woman in every aspect. i don’t know what the point of this is. i guess just to get some stuff off my chest.