I guess this is a Trigger Warning post. If it isn't, i'll still put that since it is a delicate subject. Stop reading if you're not into reading about dying.

I'm really scared of dying during labor this time around. With my first, I was really chill, nonchalant. I was smiling the majority of the time (except when I was in full on labor, then I was screaming and crying and wanting him out of me asap,) but still, pretty happy and i guess, oblivious to the fact I could have died.

I've been up since 3:30 (it's 5:30 now,) and I CANNOT stop thinking about dying while I'm giving birth. The only thing I see in my mind is, me laying in that bed, bleeding out completely. Or me laying in bed, going into shock. Me laying in that bed, having a heart attack or stroke or pulmonary embolism and just dying and leaving my 2 boys motherless and my husband without a wife.

I cried about it earlier, but now it's like I can't cry. I just feel this unsettling feeling that maybe I am gonna die and it's a premonition type of thing. I feel helpless for the most part. My husband doesn't wanna hear me talk about this. He just says "its all gonna be okay, its just in your head, you're healthy." Yeah, i'm healthy but death can happen in a blink and what if I end up not being healthy anymore when i'm on that bed?

Georgia has the highest maternity death rates, how the hell am I not supposed to worry.

I'm not sure how to get over this fear, but I need to do it quick. I am 36 weeks and if I end up having an anxiety attack over this when I start having contractions, I know I won't be calm at all and that will definitely affect how things play out. I'll probably talk to my OB about it at my next appointment, but i can't do much else, I think.

Why do we die