Okay so, I just broke up with my first proper boyfriend, for the second time. He was my first experience of real love from a man, the first time I’d experienced what it’s like to love someone and my first time. My first real boyfriend who knew my family and saw me all the time. Things were amazing in the beginning, but cracks started to show some months in. He was very clingy and wanted to constantly see and talk to me via message but with college, talking all the time just isn’t an option. It was easy for him to be able to talk or see me constantly because he had no job, didn’t go to college and rarely went out with his friends.

He soon became rather controlling and said I wasn’t to go out with my friends or have any other boy follow me on and social media. We argued a lot and he became particularly nasty during those arguments. Regardless of that, he was the love of my life. He still is. We first broke up just before Christmas because I just couldn’t take it anymore, but he insisted he would change and give me the space I needed and stop the controlling. It didn’t change. So now just after new year, we’re broken up again. Only he broke up with me this time, because I mentioned wanting to go on a holiday with my friends for my birthday, and he didn’t like it at all.

So now I’m here, drowning in my own tears not knowing what to do. I still love him. So much. He was my first and he’s all I know, I’m so used to being around him and talking to him that I’m scared to be without him. I’ve never ever cried as much in my life as I have now and I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how I can possibly ever move on from him. He was my first. I don’t want to have to get used to being around someone new. I know the breakup is for the best and I know I deserve someone better, but I honestly cannot stop crying and thinking what if no one loves me as he did? What if I’m sad and lonely forever? What if he moves on before me? What if I can never forget about him? I can’t get him out of my mind.