I'm starting to feel like my pregnancy didn't happen. I feel like it was never validated. It felt real for a little while and it was exciting and our friends and family were so happy to hear the news but I'm starting to struggle with it feeling real.

I got my positive of 11/11. It was crazy unexpected because I didn't think I ovulated that month and when I took tests around the missed period time they were negative. I'm irregular but had taken meds that helped start a period so we were hoping for a normal cycle. I was just about to start another round of those meds but wanted to test first, just in case. It was a whirlwind of emotions and so exciting to know it finally happened. I started to realize I had felt pregnant for a week or 2 and just hadn't put 2 and 2 together. I steadily got more and more symptoms. I was bloated, heartburn, nausea, sore boobs the whole shabang.

Cut to our first doctors appointment 12/10. I'm assuming I'm 8 weeks ish and we'd see a little blob like baby and a heartbeat. Instead it's an empty sac. My heart sank. Even as my doctor told us to remain positive and that I could be more like 5.5 weeks instead. But I knew it was bad. My blood work (hcg) went down a little that week and another ultrasound revealed nothing again. The next week I got the call to confirm a missed miscarriage.

I officially miscarried on 12/28. I didn't know date of conception. We didn't get exact weeks. We didn't get a due date. We didn't get to see a baby. As more and more time passes I feel like it didn't happen. It's almost like I feel silly for grieving for the baby that wasn't even there. It never grew so why am I this upset? I want to memorialize this pregnancy but at the same time forget it ever happened. I want to make a memory box with the positive test, ultrasound picture and flowers. I also looked into a peice of jewelry to wear as a symbol. But then I think I shouldn't want those things because it wasn't "real" and I should just go back to the way things were before.

Anyone else ever struggle with this?