So, a little back story: I'm much older now but when I was 13, I thought the world of love. I saw my future with a nice home, garden, pets, work hard in my career, come home to exercise, crafts, or just relax. And I also thought having a companion would be nice to share everything we worked hard for. Simple, frugal, volunteer, travel, enjoy life, etc.

Then I had my heart shattered many times, horrible abusive relationships, and I once was engaged. And no, it wasn't any special "pop the question", there was no ring, no plan, no leaving of the parents couch. At the time, I was so "passe" about old traditions so I thought of it "cool". Disappointing to my 13 yo self but I didn't care. It never stopped me focusing on my studies and career.

I was engaged for 5 years and suddenly (the day of my MD graduation) he left me because he told me he never loved me and it was a mistake. He left me for another woman too. Totally destroyed me. I was happy for him, I was glad to be his light in this discovery, but geez did it kill.

After everything, I felt hollow and stopped believing in love and being with someone. I cried more about it than when I was in an abusive relationship. Those who've been devastatingly broken up with know that pain I'm talking about. I took it as a learning experience to do what's right for me and me alone. Albeit, very depressed and cautious.

After about a year or so, I finally managed to get myself out there again and now I think I've fallen in love. We live in a nice apartment together, we own a cat, we work long days and our favorite part of a busy productive day is jumping in bed cuddling/snuggling until we fall asleep. He makes me laugh that heart warming laugh when you get someone's humor very well. I didn't think someone else could make me genuinely smile again. We started off our relationship super honest, told him my past experiences, and I told him I'm not the marrying type. I wanted to get that out clear in case he had any inclination. He was fine with it, respected me and agreed about the idea of marriage. Obviously, after all these years I still don't see myself as the marrying type. I'm not able to have children so what was the real point for me?

We are coming up to our 2 year anniversary soon and for some odd reason, I feel 13 again wanting those same things as before. I kind of want to get married or be engaged. I can see myself getting old with him but why the sudden change? Am I foolish? I know it's only been 2 years but I wouldn't mind a real surprise engagement (and he'd be the guy to get his big family in on it for a real actual planned surprise with a picked out ring). But why do I want to do that to myself again? What if it happens again and he leaves me after so long? Why do I feel this invincible way now? What do I do