Sinking In

Only about 35 days to go until my little boy makes his debut. Out of all my siblings I never really had a strong maternal instinct. I mean if I was left alone with them, I would get comfortable enough and figure out what to do. At first I thought something was wrong with me because when it came to baby animals, I was a natural, but not with human babies. Turns out my mom was the same way and her instinct didn’t really kick in until she had my brother who was the first born. My twin and I are the babies of the family so we didn’t really have experience with little kids until our nieces were born, but still she’s the exact opposite from me and is a natural with kids. My mom was also an “angry mom” who lost her temper a lot, got abusive at times and was very self centered for many years. I’m a pretty even mix between my parents, but I see enough of my mom in myself that I’m getting worried about what if I end up like the way she was with us? I know I won’t be abusive for sure, but I do get impatient and can get pretty snappy especially when my depression and anxiety gets bad. Also throughout this pregnancy, I don’t think it’s completely set in quite yet. I’m not super lovey dovey or going crazy about being pregnant. I don’t know if it’s my depression or me being dissociated (I’m working on getting better) or what, but I get nervous about it like what if I don’t feel any different when he’s born? I mean when I stare at his ultrasound or watch him squirm around in my belly I have a moment where my heart flutters and I get really emotional. So that’s a good sign right? My family and friends all tell me I will be a fantastic mom and to just listen to what my body/gut tells me and I’ll do just fine. Luckily I have a pretty supportive spouse who’s great with kids, so that’ll definitely help. Anyways, just wanted to vent a little.