I had an early miscarriage near the beginning of 2017. At that point, my husband and I had been TTC for a few months. I got a faint positive and decided to wait a couple days before telling my husband, I wanted to wait until I got a darker line. I never did get that darker line though. It became negative and I started to bleed.

I knew what had happened, but I was in denial and I even convinced myself that it did not actually happen and it was just a false positive (it was actually positive. Not an evap). After a couple months, it just was not sitting right with me. I did not like the way I left it because in the back of my mind, I still knew that I did have a miscarriage. I hadn't told my husband about it because, like I said, I was in denial and convinced myself it was not real.

So after feeling uneasy about it for a couple months, I did some research to kind of "re-convince" myself that I was pregnant and had a miscarriage. I needed the closure.

I finally told my husband (about 3 months after it happened). He took it in and comforted me, because of course I was bawling, especially with this being the first time I spoke out loud about it. Then we went to bed and just never talked about it again.

Until this past summer. I never truly got the closure I needed and decided that I wanted to get a tattoo for that baby. He was a little thrown off guard at first, but he supported my decision.

For the first time, we actually sat down and discussed it and talked about our feelings regarding the miscarriage. He told me that he views it differently than I do (which I understand). He doesn't really see it as a baby that we lost, but just "Something that happened". He even said that this was all kind of "your thing" (regarding to me. That this was my thing). He understood how I felt and was supportive of my feelings because this is something that happened to me. He acknowledged that I was the one who got a BFP, had the physical symptoms, and then went through actually miscarrying, along with carrying this on my shoulders alone for a few months. He even asked me "now, are we sure this actually happened?". I guess he just wanted make sure I was 100% certain before I marked my body forever? I guess? I don't know. I was a little hurt by that question.

I can understand why he feels this way. He never knew there was a baby until a few months after I lost it. But it hurts and makes me feel so alone. It almost makes me feel like I seem crazy. Like he has absolutely no association with this and it's just some imaginary baby that I made up.

Ever since I got the tattoo, we still don't talk about the baby or miscarriage. He sometimes looks at my tattoo, runs his finger over it, and confirm that I am still happy with it. But that's it.

I don't know. I feel like I made this baby on my own and I lost it on my own. Like he has no role in this what so ever. He doesn't feel like it was his baby, but I view it as OUR baby that WE lost.