Just let me vent

I feel like God played a tricked on me. When we first started trying in April 2018 I was so excited. Then to get a BFP in May, I cant believe how fast I got pregnant. Just for God to take my son away in September 2018. We were so devastated. We’ve been trying since October and To be honest I didn’t expect it to take this long. Maybe because I just lost my son but it feels like an eternity. AF showed up today, just as predicted, by glow. After the first few months of trying I feel drained. I’m going on almost half a year of trying... why was it so easy at first and after loosing my son so hard to get are rainbow baby? Why did we loose are son? Why am I not holding my baby rn? He would’ve been one month February if i made it to full term. Why am I still trying for a baby? I’m tired. I’m drained. I’m loosing hope. I’m angry and sad.

Holding in tears as I walk near the baby aisle at target. Holding in tears as my SIL enjoy her twins that shared the same due date as the son I lost. Holding in tears as my coworker comes back from maternity leave and share stories and photos. How much more can I take? God can you hear me? I can’t this any more. I’m completely broken and destroyed. I’m loosing hope. Please hear me, I need strength to carry on.