I lost my baby. And I know a lot of women go through this ordeal, some people are able to handle it better than others. Me, I refused to talk about it, i grieved for that day and night. The day it was confirmed was the worst day of my life, I cried so hard for you.

I’ve always wanted to be a mummy, for as long as I can remember my dream was to be a mummy and have at least 3 little babies of my own. Maybe it was all the years of looking after younger cousins or my beautiful godchildren. Of course most women do, for me you were going to be the sunshine because 2018 was one of the worst years of my life. To keep it short 2018 started with me going into a very steep downward slope. I was at my wits end. Being diagnosed with severe depressed and anxiety. I had panic attacks in every situation, I self harmed and worst of all had made a plan to end my life. If it wasn’t for a very small number of friends who stood in and helped me I definitely wouldn’t be here today..

However, I started talking to your daddy in May and only grew the confidence to meet up with him in late July becoming a couple in August 2018. Definitely the right guy with perfect timing. Because he saved me and gave me a lifeline.

I’m now into what would have been my 18th week of pregnancy. I would have had my first scan and would have been planning all the little things... my baby would have been the size of a pomegranate. A tiny little human.... you should have been.

I still blame myself for that day, I had no symptoms that I’d lost you; just a sudden bleed and that was all. I knew from the moment I seen the blood that you were gone. I just knew it. You were a little surprise in the first place and I just had doubt in my mind just not to get too excited in case something went wrong and how right I was. I didn’t wanna be right.

I lost you when I was going into my 6th week. And i had only known for a week that you were actually there, but I was so ready. I had an unbelievable amount of love for you already, worrying about what I would need to do and how silly it was of me to think of this so early..

Most days I can get on with my daily life to be honest I’m grateful for it because without having my job as my distraction. But some days I just cannot do it, still cradling my stomach where you should be tucked up nice and snug. Instead I’m just an empty shell.

Mummy and daddy have been trying so hard to have a little rainbow but every-time my AF I little piece of me shatters every time.

Currently my doubts are getting in my way of some sort of happiness. What if I can’t carry a child, what if I go through all this again and it almost beats me every time. I just hope one day maybe soon maybe in the future I can have your little sibling here on earth with me.

My little jellybean ❤️

15.11.18