25 days late (Just a “emotional rant”)

Sooo my last period was December 20th... I know there’s a big chance I could be pregnant. Especially with all of the things my body is doing right now (nausea, vomiting, constipation, etc..) but let’s be real here for a second. I’m afraid...my husband and I have been trying for so damn long 😔 that I’ve just given up. I have refused to take a pregnancy test multiple times now. Why? Because I can’t take the HEART BREAK!!! I know I’ll have to soon. I know it’s not the responsible thing to do. But dammit. I’m tired of the silent prayers and tears just to eventually work up the courage to open my eyes to see another 88 cents waisted. The few times they have come back positive never last. So what’s the point? Either I’m not pregnant, or I am. And if I am it’ll most like end in miscarriage (again) or in nine months I’ll be a mom. ******Now before some of you freak out**** like I said before I know I’ll have to sooner rather than later. I’m dreading it. 😞😞😞 I wish there was just a button you could press with your partner that would impregnate you. I know that sounds stupid and boring to all of you who are new to TTCing. But as someone who’s been at this for a while. Ughhhhhh. Rant done.