Lately..

So as a child I was introduced to sex. Porn, orgasms, etc. Yes I was touched by a family member. Female. It felt wrong but it also felt good and children are pleasure seekers yadda yadda. I never told my mom, I feel like if i told her now it'd probably kill her. If I told her I had 2 other cousins in the equation as well it would definitely take her out.

I also engaged in sexual acts with other girls my age at school, camp, sleepovers... pretty much everywhere because I thought everyone should know about the "great feeling". My first kiss was my best friend who was a girl of course in like 3rd grade I believe. We also engaged in touching, she would usually initiate it but then want me ro stop. Anyways.

Of course as an adult looking back on that it reeeaally fucks me up. I have never dated a woman, I have no real desire to. But I did know that once I started having sex (with men) I would go off the hinges, so I managed to remain a virgin until about 2 weeks before my 18th birthday...

I'm 20 going on 21 now annnd my body count is 18.. so it's safe to say I was right. I knew sex would be an addiction because I became addicted to touching my at young age to get the "good feeling". I used to get caught by my mom and chastised a lot. Now as an adult it feels like something I should feel guilty about, even though I know its normal.

My boyfriend knows all of this. Childhood, body count, all of it. I told him I might be bi-curious when we forst started talking around September of 2017.

Lately I've been seeing women and have just been imagining what I would want to do them sexually. Thinking they're fine and everything. My boyfriend said he was open to a threesome, but the thing is I'm not good with sharing at all.

The other thing is I don't know if I am attracted to women because of what happened to me, or because that's what I actually like. I haven't been with someone of the same sex since I was in the 4th grade or younger. Of course I can't a t on it because cheating is cheating no matter if the sex of the other person.

Also with the STD/STI rates being so high and... there's dental dams (no idea how that's spelled) [but how fun is that??].. its not like being with a man where he can just slap a comdom in and go. Being with a female is wayyy more intimate, and, like I said, I don't want to date another woman. Just sex and asking then to get tested before the whole shabang feelsnljke a turn off.

I'm just very lost in this. Also I do plan on talking to my boyfriend about this. He also said he was open to just watching me have sex with a other woman... Idk.

I know this really requires counseling more than anything.