I’m giving up

I want too so bad. I’m tired of living a life of sadness. It’s not all because of him. Most of the time I just hate living. Even before him. Honestly he gave me a reason to stay alive. He helped me through quite a bit and I never thought the person who made me feel so much love and happiness would also be the one who causes me to want to die. I never thought he’d be his awful towards me or cheat. I don’t understand why he’d marry me just to do this. He seems to think we’re not married anymore but I haven’t even started the divorce papers. The only reason I haven’t yet is because of how sad everyone would be if I died. But once I’m dead I wouldn’t care obviously. I’m tired. Nothing helps anymore