I grew up in a household where it felt like I had to walk on eggshells every day. One mistake or perceived insubordination, my mom would get angry. She was extremely verbally and emotionally abusive, she’d rarely hit us though. Her way was to call us names, tear us down, make fun of us... She had such a short fuse, I never knew when she’d be set off or by who. My dad was the complete opposite though, which is why they couldn’t ever agree on parenting styles or disciplinary action. She always felt like he was undermining her, so she’d rip us from our home at random and frequent times.

When she’d take us from our home we had to live with her parents. They weren’t any better. One major memory of mine with them is when I was in 6th grade. Every single morning they’d sit me at the table and try to convince me that my dad had molested me. Over and over again they’d try to get me to say it, I never did though. My dad was a great dad, he’d never do anything like that... His one fault was staying married to my mom for too long.

Unfortunately, my childhood has shaped my adulthood in ways I don’t like and can’t seem to control. I’m afraid to make mistakes, to the point that I lock up in situations and can’t think. When there isn’t pressure then I’m able to do whatever I need to without any complications, or with minimal mistakes. I don’t make friends easily because I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing. There’s a lot of underlying fear and anxiety with everything I do. I feel like people laugh at me when out and about because of how I look, walk, talk, anything.

I’m feeling even worse today because I have one friend who I feel kind of tears me down. I may be over analyzing the situation but she did multiple things the other day that made me feel like I’m incompetent. She really hurt my feelings and made me question my ability, my intelligence, and if I’m in the correct field. Part of me wants to give up and just drop out of school. I’ve passed all the required classes to now, with no prior knowledge (the friend has extensive work experience). She is knowledgeable, it’s the way she addresses things that’s bothersome.... it reminds me of how my mom was and she causes extra anxiety and I’m even more afraid to look like an idiot. I’ve passed my first round of state competency boards and can now work in my field, so I am competent. I’ve started to question myself though and I’m afraid to find a job... and what happened with my friend the other day did not help me on any front. I’m getting to the point where I can’t put off the job search any longer too, I’m running out of funds.

It’s gotten to the point with this person that I’ve begun to limit time with her. I’ve honestly started limiting my time with everyone though. I have no interest being around others right now. I feel really emotionally fragile and hurt right now. I’m emotionally and mentally exhausted. I feel like I’m at a disadvantage because I have ADHD, low self esteem, and some other form of learning disability that wasn’t diagnosed (it may be slight dyslexia as it runs in my family, I mix up numbers and letters, and couldn’t read until about the 2-3rd grade). I think something that also really affects all of this is I was sexually abused by a sibling when I was a child and I was gang raped as a teen. After that second time everything shifted focus and I changed and not in a good way.

I just don’t know what to do... I’m lost and hurt.