I don’t matter

I grew up in a house with my mom, dad, brother, and sister. I’m the oldest. My dad worked a lot and we really only saw him on weekends until we were teenagers. My mom didn’t work and she didn’t clean house or cook that often. That was mine and my brothers job. She yelled at me almost daily. She would tell me what I thinking and how I was feeling. Whenever I tried to explain myself she’d say I had a smart mouth and was being disrespectful.

I got married at 22. Big mistake. He wouldn’t talk to me about anything important. He was terrible with money. We had custody of a baby boy for about a year and half. About a month before the baby went back to his mother, I found out my husband was cheating. I didn’t want to have to tell DHR about the divorce so I waited for his mother to get custody back before I filed for divorce. At this point I’m thinking what have I done to deserve this. Why don’t I deserve to be happy?

At 26, my high school boyfriend contacted me when he noticed I went back to my maiden name. We talked as friends in and off for about 7 months. After that we started talking everyday and eventually started dating again. Now I am 29 and in a week we will have been married a year and right now we have a precious 2 month old. My husband keeps telling me we have nothing in common. It seems like he wants me to tell him this isn’t going to work. He bought a house before we were dating and I HATE it. There is no space for anything. He acts like what I want in a house is ridiculous. He says I just want a $400k house and I really don’t. I have found several that I love for under $200k but he tells me since I don’t have $30k sitting in my bank that I don’t have the financial sense to be smart about buying a house (I’m an accountant). He tells me I’ve made bad life decisions because I don’t have a ton of money saved up. I didn’t live my parents and not pay rent until I was almost 30 like him. I have student loans and other bills to pay with daycare on top of that now. My thoughts and feelings don’t matter to him. My wants don’t matter to him.

So as I lay in bed crying some nights I tell myself over and over that I don’t matter. That my feelings don’t matter in hopes I’ll believe it so I can stop feeling so bad. And I wonder what have I done to be treated this way by the people who are supposed to love me. And I just pray for God to give me the knowledge to make it better. And to make my husband.

I’m just tired of trying to make things better when I’m the only one making an effort.

Sorry for the long post. I just needed to put my feelings somewhere. This is a very short version of what’s going on. I could type for days about my mom and current husband.