Hey guys so I won’t lie and act as if I know where to start or I know to much what to say. I want to tell you guys that I am scared and lost. It hurts me to be this way. I don’t know what this means for me. I will tell you anyways. When I was 19 years old I married the man of my dreams, my best friend and the person I really knew I wanted to spend my life with. My parents and his family went to the same place to worship (I won’t say which religion) but I decided to get baptized because I wanted my mom to love me . And at this point in time our relationship has always been bad, it was like I was the black sheep 🐑 of our family and once I came into my own mind, we bumped head a lot. However I decided I would make her happy get baptized, because she would love me and be there for me and I would not be so down and depressed this would make her happy. So I went throw with it even though I hated the religious because it’s strict at time I could not even have friends at school. I could not go no where with anyone other than the people my mother trusted within the religion. As you could imagine that dating was out of the question for a while. And even when I became 18 I still was not allowed to date. But I decided I would and guy to be honest with you I started to hide I dating guys in middle school. I lived a double life. I knew it was wrong but I did not care. Because I could not do anything. Also at this time I have also been sexual activity with two of my girl best friends. But it’s seems like in this moment all I cared about was making my mom happy just once for her to be proud of me. Little did I know I was making the biggest mistake of my life. I could have lost everything . Anyways it’s so much I want to tell you guys that is important because I need your help. I can’t turn to no one else due to embarrassment. I was not only raped as a child but I had a guy a little bit older than me take advantage of me also and then a female family member. So I had been sexual since the age of 5 not by choice. I have never told anyone. I am scared and ashamed. And I never knew it could affect me so much even now. I will skip to today. I just had to tell someone. The whole truth my whole truth. I was depressed and broken when I meet my husband. It was forbidden to marry him but as I said I did it anyways because it made me happy. And the guy that was in the religion treated me bad . Like I was less and since he had high standing with in the congregation he could have any women he wanted and I tried to be with him but he just keep hurting me. So I left him and married my now husband. We have been together 5 years and we have a beautiful 8 month old son. My husband came to me and told me something that he was ashamed of he knew it would hurt me but he still told me. Now before I say what it is no guys he did not cheat on me . But he told me he have thoughts 💭 he say he loves me and never wants to hurt me but for some reason he wants other women. Well you can imagine how I’m feeling now I knew it took so much inside of him to tell me. I cannot tell you guys that this did not hurt me. I was happy and thankful for his honesty and in no kind of way did I want to hurt him or show him I was angry. But guys I was heart broken and now it’s been about 3 months since he has told me. We talked and I told him that I don’t understand and I started blaming my self. He reassured me and told me he loves me more then anything and that he only wants to be married to me and be with me . But he does have though of sleeping with other women and it has nothing to do with us not being in a good relationship or anything it’s just he finds other women attractive, and told me he has never cheated it’s just a fight with in him . So yesterday it was heavy on my mind but I still could not tell him the whole truth. I was too ashamed and embarrassed 😞. When me and my husband first got together I told him that I had been raped, but never told him about the other two times that I mentioned in the beginning of this form. So I sat down and told him that I had been with girls before and the truth is I have even though I’m not a lesbian in anyway I have been with girls before and yes I have gotten aroused by females I’m attractive sexual with females but I don’t want a relationship with one. I can’t explain it but it’s the truth for me. He was surprised and boy he just started to ask why I never told him and I told him I was not ready. How ever he was not upset or anything . I told him to be honest I have thought about having him an female. Basically like a 3sum . I would always have fantastic about me him and another girl. So I told him I wanted to try it. He was cool he still could not believe I asked him. And he still thinks I’m just saying anything. You guys idk what I am doing I’m so confused yes I would sleep with him another female but I don’t know what that would mean for us or how would that affect me. I’m in love with him and so confused it’s everything I just can’t stop thinking about it all and crying because I don’t want to hurt me or him. Idk what to do . I’m so confused I know this is a lot to take in believe me this have not been easy at all. What do you think am I over thinking . Am I suffering from my abuse from when I was a child 😔 I’m so down and this is only half of my story. I’m sorry it’s so long thanks for reading please comment all is welcome!