I feel exhuasted and alone. (Horribly long)

married for 2 years. My baggage is my annoying family and his was his own personal demons.

I wont go into detail for his own privacy but he has a lot of his own problems and past trauma which ive always been supportive about. He barely sleep because of nightmares that are so horrible so hes constantly exhuasted. Which i understand and have always tried to let him rest, cook meals alone even if im tired (btw we work the same job together part time 3.5 hours only)

My mother has always been a problem in our relationship, she use to use drugs and has taken money from us. Lied to us about things. This caused friction between my husband and mom. I was 18 when i met him and he was 28 (21 and about to be 31 now). I had already lived with my mom, she stole from me, let me younger siblings go hungry while i had to search for things to feed them. I was going through anxiety, depression, had no friends, no social life at all, Because of her emotional abuse i went to therapy, i had at one point told her i wanted to kill myself. She never cared.

That was backstory of my life with her. She was still using when i met my husband. He swept me off my feet, first person who ever treated me so kindly and shared same problems. His father was also a drug user (best friends with my mom actually) because of them we met. We both had anxiety and depression problems. I told him about my mom and the things i went through with her.

Then when i moved out with him; after only like a month. I started finding out different problems of his and dealt with it, supported him when he needed it, he has no family. They had fallen apart.

My mom has talked about him behind his back disrespectfully and I've gotten into agruements with her. Alone.

And he constantly never lets down telling me about the stress and my family has bestowed upon him. Including my brother being just an asshole.

I tell him im sorry and that I've spoken with them, argued with them, been judged and cornered by them for him and he says thats nothing compared to what stress they cause him. That i will never understand what they have done to his mental health and whatnot.

They have done wrong. But i have been the one fighting with them. Not him. And i ask him for acknowledgment of this and get nothing. I lived with my mom, trust me i know what she does to the mental state. He would only see her once in awhile so theres the difference.

He has anger problems. No hes not abusive nor curses, he doesnt even curse. He mostly fumes and stays silent and lets the whole day be ruined and sometimes make small snide comments that urk me.

I manage the bills because him just seeing anything that would make him feel depressed immediately ruines his mood and everything with it.

He suffers from night terrors due to his nightmares and wake up screaming and that has damages his voice multiple times. Every night his dreams are filled with nightmares. I tell him there's help, we can find help. He says hes done it before and nothing can fix him. I stop bringing it up because its always the same answer.

Today its pouring out and we're picking up my 3 month old from my mom's house after work. No worries shes clean and has been for more thsn a year now and adores my daughter and takes care of her perfectly. My siblings are also all around so everyone pitches in to help me. Anyways its raining so my brother says he'll pay for us to go in a cab home no problem. Its honestly only like a 9min walk but we had the baby so he didnt want us to walk out there with her. She had a perfect carseat plastic to keep put rain but i was like who cares free ride.

He's been in a terrible mood all day for whatever reason that caused it. So he tells me he isnt gonna ride in the cab and drops me off at my moms house and goes home on foot getting soaked.

Im embarrassed as what am i gonna tell them, hes in a bad mood so he left on ahead? Its not the first time hes done this. So i make up a lie to them that we had no food at home and the stores near our apartment were closed since its late and he went to buy some and meet me at home. They bought it obviously and everyone helped me get the babies things in the car. And he helped me get everything out when i got home. He doesnt even know i have to make up lies like this all the time just so they dont think hes always this way. He doesn't even sleep in the room with me. He says because he doesnt want to wake me with his screaming which doesnt happen every night unless hes also super stressed which always makes them worse. He always depressed but wants no help nor to get any.

During my pregnancy he went with me to every single appointment so i wasnt alone. And while we worked didnt have me lift anything heavy or bend down too much. During my pregnancy he also got two different jobs that both didnt work out for other reasons which is a whole other story. The got even more depressed. Then he plainly stopped looking and i was stressing horribly.

Since my daughter was born even at the hospital he got upset that she peed when her was changing her and got pee all over. I was in so much pain and even at one point passed out in the bathroom and nurses had to help me. I felt so alone as i didnt call my family because he feels uncomfortable by them which i understood because they have been disrespectful multiple times. But him being there helped nothing. I could barely walk or sit the first two days and i had to struggle to stand and grab my baby, she was always crying and only stopped when i held her. And i couldnt sleep. It was awful. He barely changed diapers or did feedings or even held her. He would complain about her nonstop crying and we legit never slept and he would go to work while i stood home for those 6 weeks. So he was exhuasted so i would always try to cook for him to eat when he would get back or even tell him to sleep in the living room at night and I'd stay with the baby so he could sleep to go to work refreshed. But i did everything for her. He didnt even know how much oz of milk she drank or even how often.

I voiced this multiple times and now he does feedings. On his good days of course, on his bad days disassociates himself from us and i take care of her all day except for when we go to work and which my mom does. And unfortunately we work together and have the same floor we clean so i cant even get away from his gloominess too breathe.

I can't even be depressed because he takes all that himself and i have to be the strong one. Im tired and exhuasted and just want a break. His excuse is he does everything heavy duty at work and he does everything physically and while his back is completely messed up and dibilating to the point where he cant even bend to sit (he doesnt want to get checked) then i tell him im talking only about taking care of the baby. Not work, not outside, not my family and just about being parents. He says he knows he doesnt do much and only downs himself and calls himself trash and a piece of shit dad. Hes making himself this way though because hes always felt that way about himself since we were together even though he isnt. Hes making these choices.

And on his good days expects me to be cheery and happy and even be intimate but im not happy. Doesnt he get it when i tell him how exhuasted how unappreciated i feel. I don't want to be intimate. I want to cuddle and be close and talk and laugh. To feel connected like we use to be.

He's better with the baby and even helps me bathe her, holds her now while i do stuff. But i cant even take a bath and leave her with him because he'll just complain if she starts whining. Shes a baby, she's gonna cry.

Then explains how when he took care of his sisters babies they never cried like she does. For godsake every baby is different. She isnt broken like he comments which annoys me. On his good days he adores her and makes her laugh but he's so swept up in his own depression that he doesnt see anything.

Its making me now horribly depressed that i dont even bother with him anymore. I dont ask for help unless hes in a good mood and i dont even comment about him sleeping in the living room anymore. And i cant get away from him to breathe even after dropping the baby off with my mom because I WORK WITH HIM, its suffocating. Most i do is good to my room like on weekends with the baby and spend the whole day there with her playing and taking care of her while hes in the next room hating his life and talking about how much better is brother is doing than him. Comparing himself constantly to his brother.

Sometimes hes good and happy for days and everything is perfect. But as soon as some sorta bad news comes or he has a really bad night. It's over. He cannot deal with stress at all, stress consumes him.

I just dont know what else to tell him anymore. Hes brought up divorce a few times in passing saying we'd be better off without him and he'll make sure to give me money to take care of the baby and What not but maybe hes better off alone with no one.

Im afraid hes going to finish falling apart on this path hes on and all of our memories, pictures and moments will be for nothing and we will go our separate ways. I'm afraid of waking up and looking at him one day and feeling nothing anymore because ive finally given up on him. Giving up on the dream that things will get better.

I love this man, when he hurts i hurt. When he cries my heart shatters. But what else can i do? Any advice? Thank you if you actually read all this. I have no one to vent to, no one to speak my pains to, me and my family cant talk like this because they're judgemental and act like their Shit dont stink, i am alone.