**Trigger warning** how my self-harm started

When I was a freshman in high school I had a crush on my guy friend and soon it developed more on my part, and he knew that I liked him even though I didn’t tell him; but he didn’t like me.He started dating my best friend and behind her back we started sexting and he sent me dick pics and I was okay with it because in my head I said I liked him first. And then it escalated and we talked about exploring each other and he mentioned about sucking his dick if I was down, and at the time I liked his best friend and since he was taken and I liked him first I took that opportunity. And I did have oral sex with him and after I felt used. He stopped talking to me and I felt so unclean and unwanted because he told his best friend and he stopped liking me. Then my girl best friend broke up with him and dated the guy I was supposed to and it fucked me up. I basically played a guy and I did my best friend wrong. This really haunted me and for a bit I felt like he took advantage of the situation and me. This created depression in me and I started cutting myself and I wanted to disappear. Then I saw no value in me and I wanted to die. I couldn’t forgive myself. And it’s still hurts me till today. What could of been? I wish that my first experience could of been special. I am unworthy.