lot of what ifs

My boyfriend and I of 1 year & 3 months decided to take a break , mutually a week ago. The relationship was beginning to go downhill really fast after he told me that he basically was “ young & hasn’t experienced anything fr yet and is scared of what life has for him and for the both of us “ .. After he said this , we broke up for like .. a day but he ended up apologizing , saying that he didn’t need to experience life , he has all he needs. Sweet right? Well then, in this support group chat for army wives and girlfriends , there began an expose session of some of the husbands and A LOT of them had cheated during AIT and within their first year at their duty station .. My boyfriend had been emotionally shut off with everyone since he got in training and of course . I tried to maintain the relationship, putting in 90% while he of course was putting in 10.. I felt myself starting to build up resentment , we began arguing all of the time , barely wanted to speak to one another ( on his end more so ) and I’d tell him what I wanted out of this relationship and he basically would tell me he couldn’t be that man for me .. At least for right now , his focus has shifted towards his career and he wants stability before making any long term decisions . We had definitely discussed marriage and stuff before , multiple times, enthusiastically . But about a week ago I brought up his desire to “ experience “ and we both came to an agreement that we need a break . A breather . I even accepted the fact that he’ll flirt with other girls , probably even sleep with them too because thats what his friends are doing .. And he’s a young man in the army who is around a bunch of people..I’m not delusional. He may be one of the nicer guys out of the bunch BUT he is still a young MAN.. I just told him I want him to be able to marry me without the need to go and experience someone else during the marriage .. I don’t want to worry about cheating . He says he’s just focused on graduating and trying to get his shit together , he isn’t really thinking about girls like that .

Now , here is the bad part .. A guy friend who I ideally had no kind of sexual or deep emotional feelings for came in the picture in December . We would talk , I’d go and get him sometimes and take him to get a rello or some pods for his JUUL , little shit like that . Nothing ever really serious and he had just gotten cheated on and left for a dude in the Navy (ironic huh?). He was pretty down about it, smokes his depression away all of the time .. But I was being a friend . We’d talk and everything . After my boyfriend and I broke up , I went over and talked to him about it . Asked him what he thought you know ? My friend had been there emotionally for me the entire time while my boyfriend was being neglectful . He started to say things like “ you deserve better , you’re so beautiful “ .. My boyfriend made me feel like he had gotten tired of me ... I felt unwanted by him and wanted by this guy in a short frame of time ... Things got intense extremely fast . No this was NOT planned at all ... It isn’t what I wanted , This all happened a week while me and my boyfriend had broken up . It was like .. emotional healing for the both of us .. At least in my head because although the barrier for emotional safety between my boyfriend and I had been broken , leaving space for feelings to grow for other parties had successfully been filled , I still didn’t see a future with this guy . I saw maybe a short term rebound kind of deal . After this hookup happened , he looked at me and said that “ we shouldn’t be doing this “ I agreed and began to cry .. Had a whole break down .. I felt bad afterwards because I was only doing this to fill a void, I knew that .. Even though I do have love for the guy and he said he loves me and doesn’t want either of us to feel used and he eventually wants to be together . We’ve known each other for roughly 3 years , but I am sure this is just infatuation ... We had a fling back in high school but he ended up choosing someone else over me, which he regrets now because its the ex that he was cheated on by. He looks at me like he admires me and he is so attentive .. He gets high all of the time which is probably why he is so sweet half of the time .. I don’t know , I’m pretty sure we both know we’ve crossed a boundary that wasn’t meant to be crossed .. At least for right now . My (ex)boyfriend and I talked last night , he basically says he is enjoying the break ... He is trying to get this training shit out of the way and everything ... I asked has he experienced things yet and he said no he hasn’t ... Doesn’t plan to but I’m asking questions he hasn’t really gotten confronted by yet . Anyways... I mentally decided to not have sex with this guy anymore . For what ? It made me feel awful ... I love my ex .. He told me he has the desire to come back & plans on it .. in a month or so . Possibly . We said no longer than 2 . I just want him to be sure . Question is , should I disclose my hookup with this guy to him ? He said he doesn’t know if he’d be hurt or not if I did something like this because he hasn’t really thought that far ahead but I KNOW he’ll be hurt . Truth is , I’d never think to do something like this if I felt wanted by him . I’ve been faithful to him my entire relationship and only longed for the same emotional support I was giving to him . I need help you guys . What do I do ? What am I feeling ?