Every time I get screened for postpartum depression at well checks I always get nervous. There are so many things that go through my head. Like what if I do answer truthfully and it’s not what they want? Do I get sent to an insane asylum? Does my child get taken away? I’m afraid. And maybe that’s just my anxiety talking. The question that always gets me the most is the one that asks if I ever feel like hurting myself. That is the one that sparks emotion in me. Because I don’t know how to quite answer it. Yes, I do feel like hurting myself...that’s the honest answer. But what I do select on the answer list is no. I’m broken, I’m depressed, I’m tired...I’m a mess. And I have tears streaming down my face as I type this. Today I went grocery shopping with my toddler and newborn. Normally they’re good and I can shop with ease. Not this time. My newborn was inconsolable and kept crying no matter what I did...I held him, I rocked him, I changed his diaper...I even went back out to the car to feed him. Still. And i still got those glaring stares from people...the kind that makes you want to disappear. Maybe I shouldn’t have cared so much but it still affected me. Anyway, that’s a little snapshot of how my depression gets to me. And that’s why I feel like hurting myself sometimes, but I’m afraid to say so. The worst part of it all is I don’t feel as if I have anyone to turn to...no shoulder to cry on. I don’t have a so called best friend, I don’t have a sister, I don’t have a “mother” (she moved very far away and we’re not on speaking terms for something very trivial). And honestly though I don’t admit it, I DO need help. But I always think they don’t mean it when they offer. I need help around the house, I need help with the kids, I need help with myself. And it’s a lot. In the end, all those things combined is why I feel the way I do on top of my postpartum depression. It’s what I was afraid of when I had my second child. It’s worse this time around and it’s overwhelming. I wish I had a friend and especially my mother. :(