I’m so sick of crying
I’m so tired of crying. I’m so tired of being exhausted and overwhelmed and frustrated and physically unable. I’m sick of bedrest or house rest or rest that ISNT ACTUALLY REST. I’m done with this pregnancy. Just get him out. Let me start recovering instead of expanding.
I’ve dreaded this Saturday. This all day conference my husband has to lead. I’m jealous. He gets to leave the house. And talk to other adults and eat in a restaurant without 25 trips to “potty” and toddler throwing rolls and cold food you boxed up because you can’t sit there anymore with the kids. He can eat things hot and not cut up someone’s food that they refuse to eat even though they ordered it.
I know he’s working. But he genuinely loves what he does. I love being a mom. But I’m failing these days. Spring break is over Monday. And I never wanted to be the mom that would be so happy to just have ONE of the kids gone back to school.
I’m sick of teething. He won’t eat. He has loose foul poop. He is snotty and tired. And older child, YOU NEED REST. I swear sometimes I wish I Could snap my fingers and knock you out. You’re wild and loud and crying because you are tired. Stop fighting me in sleep.
I’m sick. My allergies are so bad I can’t breathe and with 3 weeks until I give birth, I’m limited on any meds. I literally dream of all the allergy help I’m gonna down once this kid comes out. My face and sinuses are swollen. I feel like pure crap. So going outside on this gorgeous day. Not in option. I’ll be reduced to a wheezy fat ball of snot.
My mom went out of town. She went back home to see extended family. My grandmother, who lets face it, isn’t well. But she’s been verbally abusive to me and my mom my entire life. Not that my mom would ever admit it. And because she’s there, we can’t talk. Because if mom is with grandma, the world revolves around her and the slightest indication it doesn’t revolve around her, Hell breaks loose. There is a ton of pressure for me to drive 6 states and bring three kids including the newborn to see her. I told my husband that right now the only thing that could make me travel is a funeral. I’m not coming. I don’t have the money. The time the effort or the self inflicted pain. There hasn’t been a trip down there that has been pleasant. I’m grown. I don’t have to go back to the Deep South to see the so called matriarch. But I miss my mom. She lives so far and is now further. She’s the only one I trust with the kids. And only help.
This house. There is food on the floor from the toddler. Dishes everywhere. Snot covered tissues because apparently my living room floor is the place for trash, dirty clothes, toys, whatever. I’ve tried and tried. I clean a room
And it’s the 10th circle of hell of mess in less than a day. I’m miserable. Im so exhausted. In so much pain with this pregnancy I can’t fight it. So it just gets worse. Laundry is piled. Crap is everywhere. There isn’t a surface that doesn’t need to be cleaned, disinfected, or uncovered by clutter. Did I mention I hate Easter? How many candy baskets can a couple of kids bring home? They are everywhere. School. Church. Choir. There is more dollar store bunny theme crap that causes tears when it breaks and meltdowns when I try to trash it. And the inventor of Easter basket grass should be ended. Nobody needs that. Like glitter.
Then there is my MIL. My son’s birthday is next week. I’ve got a box cake mix and a book. Plastic Sesame Street characters for the cake. THAT IS IT. There is no more room for any more in my house. I’ll be a few days from birth. I don’t want to host. I don’t obviously can’t keep my house sane much less clean and he’s 2. If we skipped it, he wouldn’t know. But all of a sudden she wants to come for the nonexistent plans I have. Bedrest. Do you remember I’m on glorified bedrest?
She’s no help. She rarely comes around. And when she does it is stress city. So it’s not like she would watch the kids. And i wouldn’t be super comfortable with that. She’s kept them with her husband. If he’s around, I don’t mind. But he’s not coming. He’s gotta work. I’ll have to entertain and be worried about their attitudes bc she can be mean. They don’t even know her well. Mainly bc we are 8 hours away and Lord, I do love that buffer.
I told my husband I DONT WANT HER TO COME. Has he seen the house? Has he seen my sick and tired and exhausted I am? Lord the stress may send me into labor. But the pressure of she never gets to come. Fine. Let her come but you are cleaning this house to my specifications. Oh and he has to work when she’s here leaving me, the kids, and her. Yeah. I asked what time she’d be in Friday night. “I didn’t know I could come. Nobody told me.”
Not my job. That’s your son’s gig. I offered for her to come for the birth. Come see her oldest grandchild in his kids choir performance which is the day before and stay for the birth. Especially since her son has to work on our son’s birthday anyways. And I’m not doing a party. And I don’t have the energy or mental anything to entertain her. She never responded. I’ve got no idea if she’s coming.
Then there is my husband who I just flat out asked if he misses sex at all. Bc I ain’t getting any. And haven’t been for months. I feel like he doesn’t want me anymore. I’m too broken. He’s trying to keep his job and do mine too. I feel like a fat incubator. I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever feel attractive again.
So here I am laying on my side. Baby is not moving. I’m worried about him. Kids just fell asleep. House is a wreck. Zero groceries because I’m not allowed to go to the freaking store. I’m ordering pizza tonight. And I’m sobbing. I feel like I’m never gonna get it together. I took the only meds I’m allowed and am gonna try to shake this headache. I keep hoping I’ll wake up after one of these wretched nights of not sleeping and feel like the mom and wife I used to be. But it never happens. I feel like these last few weeks of birth I’m getting pitied bc I’m On bedrest. 😂😂 Well, I’m supposed to be resting. I’m chasing my kids and drowning in hormones.
I’m sick of crying. And begging for my family to help me just get to the birth. It’s not exactly easy for me to ask for help. I’m a take care of myself person. But I’m drowning. I’m exhausted. And I’m terrified it’s gonna be a million times worse with the baby on the outside. At least then, I can take the cold and allergy meds without fear.
Let’s Glow
Glow is here for you on your path to pregnancy
Glow helps you navigate your fertility journey with smart tools, personalized insights, and guidance from medical experts who understand what matters most.
25+ million
Users
4.8 stars
200k+ app ratings
20+
Medical advisors