I’m writing this to rant to vent to get some of the anger inside of me out and hoping that that will help relieve some of the stress.

Saturday, May 4, 2019 noticed my period was two days late. So I decided to take a test. Came back with a very faint positive. I was so excited happy and so much emotion running through me. On Sunday decided to take another test just to check and make sure. It also came back positive. I was on the moon so excited couldn’t wait to call and schedule my first appointment find a cute way to explain to my husband tell all my closest family and friends. On Monday took another test also came back positiveContacted my position to schedule blood work.

After having three chemical pregnancies and two miscarriages in the past year my skin was thick or so I thought walking into the clinic to get my blood drawn this morning. Me having no symptoms other than just a missed period I had a gut feeling that something was wrong. Nurse took blood and advised me they would contact me around 2 PM today with the results she congratulated me and I made my way home and continued about my day. Was constantly thinking praying begging pleading with God please God let this be my time let this baby survive let this be that one pregnancy that I’ve ask you for for so long.

Right on time at 2:05 PM nurse contacts me. I could tell in her voice this something was wrong and I just told her honestly I’ve been through it it’s been done I know what you’re fixing to say and I was already expecting it before you called. I ask her just to give it to me honestly give me the number what was my hCG. She had a tone in her voice when she said Melissa I’m sorry it’s a 9 we would hope it would be more and we’re going to test again in two days to see if it doubles. Then of course she gave me the complete talk that I have heard so many times before thank positive keep praying this is going to happen you just have to be positive don’t be negative stay positive God’s going to answer your prayers.

As I fought back the tears and tried to keep myself together I just politely said thank you just let me know if the doctor wants to do a retake in two days. I hung up the phone and immediately hit the floor in tears once again praying begging and pleading with God to allow me one chance and one chance only at becoming a mother.

Once you go through some thing time and time again your skin becomes thick it doesn’t ever get easier but you just come to expect it. For an hour I have done nothing but question God why me what have I done so bad to lose so many babies. Why God why do you allow so many women to have so many babies and those women not take care of them. When will it be my time all I’m asking for is one chance.

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore I have taken time off I’ve stopped medications stopped fertility treatments started eating right lost weight I’ve had all the test known to man done. There is nothing physically wrong with me there is nothing wrong with my husband. I just don’t understand why.