Please if you have time read this...I need support and need to know I’m not crazy.

I was diagnosed with anxiety since a very young age. 13 to be exact. My mom would bring me to the doctor every time I wouldn’t want to go to school. This is where he finally diagnosed me. That day my mom was very angry yelling at the doctor saying “she’s fine! You don’t know her! She’s different at home! She’s doing this for attention!” The doctor told her she needs to bring me to a psychiatrist. Both my parents were very angry about this because it was “a waste of gas and time.”

Since then, no one believed me. I would have trouble attending class. In elementary school every morning I would cry not to go, I sometimes would pretend or go as far as make myself puke to not go, I would go down to the office and say I’m sick and lay in the room all day, etc. I just couldn’t handle it. When I attended high school it was different too. Especially with having 4 different classrooms. I struggled there too. Eventually I started skipping. Every day at lunch time I would feel very dizzy and would walk home. As soon as I was out of the school, I felt better. Instead of helping me, my parents would just yell at me and tell me I’m a loser and I’m going to be nothing because I don’t go to school.

When I got older I tried working. But I wouldn’t last more than a week because of my anxiety. I had trouble waking up in the morning. I had trouble staying at work all day. I had trouble interacting with co-workers (I always felt like they didn’t like me, thought I was weird, and just overall felt left out). One day I had to speak to a customer and I messed EVERYTHING UP!!!! I ran into the bathroom, had an anxiety attack, and never went back again.

I tried attending college. The first day I went I felt the exact same way, as if I was awkward, didn’t belong, talked about, etc. I got dizzy, hot flashes, nausea, etc. After that class I left and hadn’t gone back ever.

Here I am today with the same issues. Still not working. Still not completed school. But now I have a 9 month old baby. I have tried explaining all of this to my husband, and he just says “you need to talk to someone. Everyone has problems” he doesn’t understand the extent of it. He just says he doesn’t believe in anxiety. So it really sucks feeling like I don’t have support. I used to work for a paparazzi and meet famous people to get autographs for them and that’s the first thing my husband always brings up! “How do you have anxiety when you talked to celebrities all the time” little did he know bussing there my heart was racing and I was have anxiety because of the bus ride. I always thought I was going to get killed or kidnapped. I don’t know why but I just didn’t have anxiety with meeting them. Maybe my excitement took over? Whenever his family comes over a lot of the time I lock myself in my bedroom and say I’m tired but really I’m wide awake on my phone. I just can’t handle the interaction. I cant do dinners. Even with my own family lately. My husband and I have been to ONE restaurant out of the 6 years we’ve been together because of my anxiety. I also think me hating all my clothing may have something to do with it?

Anyways. I decided I need to work at home to make a living. I used my passion for kids and decided I will open a inhome daycare. But since I got pregnant I haven’t worked. It’s been over a year. I think about starting back up again every day but my anxiety is worse than it’s ever been that interviewing the parents scares me now. My baby still isn’t sleeping so I am exhausted. My husband works all day and is home once I’m putting baby to bed so I literally do everything. I am overwhelmed. I don’t want to go for walks because I’m the corner until and I feel like everyone can see me driving by and on my street, I have major anxiety to drive so I won’t, I don’t want to leave my house simply because I just don’t feel like it, I struggle getting up in the morning, etc.

I just feel like no one around me supports me. No one understands me. Even my family still doesn’t get it. No one really helps me, only when they want to see my daughter. They don’t help because they want to. I really am struggling and my anxiety is getting so much worse. It’s hard to function but I push myself everyday. Some days are better than others.