help.. sexual assault/rape

i was sexually assaulted/raped by a 32 yr old man when i was 14. im 18 now and why do i want him? idk what to do. i think i miss him. im confused. i know it ruined my mentality being assaulted/raped how do i deal with this frustration please help me. i could get in contact with him whenever i want but i dont know why i want this i dont know what to do

therapists dont help me. been there tried that my whole life