Infertility Rant


It’s hard for me to even write this, because I hear so many women talk about their journeys and have been trying so much longer than my husband and I. But I’m frustrated. No I’m more than frustrated, I’m losing the will to continue and I am battling the feeling that it will never happen. My husband and I are fighting infertility with everything we have but it feels like we’re losing. And I really just need to get this off my chest...

My husband and I got married November 2017, I’m 23 now and he is 27. I was diagnosed with pcos a few months before we married and was told my hormones were seriously out of whack. After our wedding we decided to start trying right away, opting for the natural route first for a whole year. We needed to know if we could fix it, if it was just my weight or hormones like everyone said, and would be fixed by a healthy lifestyle. Well it wasn’t. A year of nutritionist meetings, vegetables, gluten free, more exercise and learning how to live healthier and maintain it was beyond helpful for us, but we did not get pregnant. Vitamins, supplements, teas, smoothies.. Anything that could help. For everyone that has told me I’m too fat to carry a baby and that’s our “real” issue, it’s not. I’m 5’ 7” and around 245 pounds, but my husband and I do our best to live healthier and get exercise at the gym at least 3 days a week. So December 2018 we began the infertility route, I started on letrozole 2.5 mg and we were so excited to finally have help. We were way to optimistic, and obviously it did not work. We began paying for monitored cycles with medicine, I FINALLy started ovulating and getting periods again, which was exciting. But we didn’t get pregnant.

Last month we did our first <a href="">IUI</a>. I had one follicle at 19 mm and my husband had 35 mil post wash at 95% motility. He has morphology issues but they aren’t too extreme, the doctor feels confident his sperm should still be able to do what they need to. I was so sure this was it. I had tried to avoid all the small signs, and after getting my period exactly 14 days after ovulating, I was a day late. I was so stupid but I let myself think this could be it. I got excited. I whipped out a test and said if it didn’t come in another day I would test. I just knew my period wasn’t going to come. But it did, 24 hours late to the hour. I was devastated. My husband picked up the broken pieces of my heart and reassured me that this isn’t over.

So we did another <a href="">IUI</a>. April cycle I had a 24 mm follicle on the right side, and his count was 75 mil post wash at 88% motility!! Crazy food nbers for both of us we thought! I tried to stay neutral but my husband was convinced this was it, this was going to work cycle 17 of trying. I got super weird hip pains that I had never had before around cd 8/9, light cramping and though I would never have told my husband, I started to believe maybe he was right. Until 12 dpo I tested and got the worst bfn I have ever gotten, 3 am. I was praying and praying for a positive so I could surprise my husband, but I knew I shouldn’t done it. I just had to know. I crawled back into bed, and watching my husband sleep I started sobbing. I’m not a big crier, never have been.. but I couldn’t help but feel like I have let my husband down, like my medication issues were taking over our life and all we want is to start a family. He ended up waking up and holding me without even asking what was wrong, I think he just knew. Af came a full day late again this cycle and I don’t know why. To torture me I guess, make me think just maybe I had tested too soon and could still get a bfp. I know it has happened to others, but af came like always.

Coming back from this last cycle was really hard. My husband and I are frustrated. We don’t know why this isn’t working, my follicles are growing, we do ovidrel and opks for timing, TI and <a href="">IUI</a>, yet it isn’t working. We don’t have funds for <a href="">IVF</a>, and as of now we don’t want to use a surrogate or look into adoption yet. I have always had a strong desire to carry my own child, and I know it would be too hard to watch someone else carry my child, and maybe my mindset will change later on, but it hasn’t yet. Infertility is beyond hard. I don’t know if I can get pregnant, I never have been.. Never had a miscarriage which I am so thankful for, but I worry my body just can’t get pregnant. It’s been hard to not focus and obsess, and without medicine and doctors, my body won’t ovulate or get a period..

I’m sorry this was so long, I just really needed to put this out there. To all the women who are dealing with infertility, I admire you. I don’t know how you do it. I don’t even know how I’m doing it. I pray everyday that all of us will get our baby, and it will happen and be worth every second of pain and every tear I’ve shed. If you’ve read to this point, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to just rant in a space where I won’t be judged, where I won’t get careless words or advice I’ve heard a thousand times. I’m doing my best everyday, I’m trying to live healthy and believe that it will happen. I will get pregnant.

Okay, end of rant..