*Trigger warning: losses*

Hello glowing people 💛 this is my very first post on this app!

Here is the first part of my loss story

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When 8 weeks rolled around, we got our confirmed heart beat 💗 We announced to family, work, etc (please wait 12 weeks!!)

There was a day a I didn’t feel pregnant. I tried to, but I stopped being able to picture baby. About a week later, I felt bleeding and immediately went to the restroom. Surely it’s just implantation bleeding or, something. Wait, that would’ve been a few weeks ago, right??? Okay google.

*miscarriage symptoms*

“Back pain, bright red bleeding”

Okay well my back hurts but no more than it does everyday in my first trimester. Okay, no bright red bleeding, it’s more brown, maybe pinkish PHEW.

I keep bleeding.

Doctors office is closed, we go to the ER. Blood pressure, height weight, symptoms. Okay. I’m feeling a bit better about this. I’m in good hands now. Urine sample confirmed pregnant, but... there’s always a but. HCG levels are high, but that doesn’t mean pregnant. We do an ultrasound. I’m looking as close as I can, squinting to see if I can see the little bean we saw the week before. The heartbeat. Please give me something, anything. The ultrasound tech is silent. I can tell my womb is widened, a home for a growing baby, but there’s no baby.

Okay, I’m not a doctor so that doesn’t really mean anything, right? They’re going to come in here and tell me that it’s so early and that sometimes the ultrasound doesn’t pick it up, right??? 3 hours and a couple of tests later, I end up in a room.

“I’m so sorry to tell you this...”

No please no, this can’t be.

“We can’t tell you a definite answer. You will need to follow up with your OB, but..”

Not the but again.

“In medical terminology this is what we call a missed abortion”

There it is. I stared off, I don’t want the doctor to see me cry. I don’t have a choice. He’s so nice, caring.

“Your anatomy is perfectly healthy. There’s nothing wrong with you, these are common in the first trimester. You’re no more at risk than anyone else for your next pregnancy, when it’s time”

My throat closes. Next pregnancy. I wanted this one. I’m trying to fight back the tears. They flow and blur my vision.

Please just be a bad dream. Please just be a nightmare. Wake up, joc. Please just wake up out of this.

I’m in the parking lot. My SO holds me and I make it to the car, sobbing the way home.

We get home and my mother in law (who knows about the bleeding) is there. I go straight to my bedroom and lay down.

“No hay bebe” (there is no baby) My SO says.

She starts crying “No, no, no. Dios no”

Wake up wake up wake up.

She held me and pleaded to me. “Cry all that you need to but please don’t get depressed. Don’t give up on us”

That was the first night my heart got ripped out. I woke up and had to remind myself what happened.

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