Still counting😔

We had a miscarriage late last year but I still count my weeks to see how far I would have been... I began to have bad cramps and back pains... I was awoken around 1am that morning and I remember just praying for everything to be ok... Went back to bed but woke up at 5:30am to get ready for work.. When I went to peed I just felt everything come out.. I tried cleaning my self up while my husband was at the door in shock... I saved all the tissues on the side of the trash and cleaned myself up.. Called my mom since she works with my OBGYN.. She set me to be seen first.. I walked in to the office hoping Dr would say it was normal and baby was ok... Ultrasound showed no sac in my uterus... I drove home and remember going to the bathroom looking in the tissues for my baby... I cried cause I could find him/her.. I felt horrible that I flushed it... I would find myself sitting on that toilet crying my heart out.... Finally around 10pm I asked my husband to throw the trash.... I was going crazy.... I was back to work the next day....As a nurse there is no breaks... Due date was July 24th so I think we would have been hitting our 36 weeks😢... We began to TTC but no success.. Now when I begin to get cramps and get my period.. Blood makes me sad and anxious... Since May I have been feeling so emotional... I had to cut my hours to allow to grief appropriately