Confused

I need advice. This will be long just bear with me please.

So a little context.

I come from a family of all women. Women who have been scorned by love. My dad left my mom for someone younger than her. He physically and mentally abused my mom. He would get so drugged out of his mind he threatened to kill her and us *his daughters*. He was/is a violent man when he is drugged or drunk. After twenty years she left him. I was three years old when they separated. Then she found a man much older than her. This new older man treated her better but he is also a jerk when he gets drunk. But she stayed there. They've been together since I was five. I'm twenty two now, so yeah a long time. My oldest sister had two wonderful girls with her high school sweetheart. But he left her and her two little ones for someone else. My other older sister *the one in the middle* had two wonderful girls with a guy she had been with since they were in their late teens. He was funny, charming and to me he was like an older brother. Our family loved him. But he left my sister for someone older than her. I saw my mom and my two sisters get hurt by men and it changed how I look at love.

I am with my middle school sweetheart.

When we started dating *back in middle school* he cheated. It hurt so much i even changed schools because well i didn't want to see him. When we were in high school *i came back to my past school district* we came back together. Nothing really happened our freshman year. Sophomore year I was pregnant at 15. I was involved in a lot of extracurricular activities and he was involved in sports. I had to stop my activities but he still continued in sports. He found a job and he was there for me.

Junior year i went to another school that offered daycare for my new baby.

Senior year he cheated and we broke up.

My freshman year at uni we got back together thinking one more try for our family was okay.

He proposed after i turned 20. I love him so I said yes. Two months later i see him searching for the girl he always cheats with. I didn't even feel sad anymore i just felt numb. I've told him of this. And he says he knows he will loose me. That recently he hasn't done anything to trust him. I tell him "if my dad, the man who was supposed to love me unconditionally, didn't stay I know you won't either."

It's been two years since I found that. But now i am conflicted. I love him i truly do. I know when you love someone you don't hurt them. I know in some way he loves me but not in the way he wants to. I feel like i should just say "hey this isn't okay. I should trust you. I know you'rewith me because your forcing yourselfto live me. Even though you say it isn't true. Maybe we should just go our separate ways." But i just cant. Every time I come close to say it I back out. Im scared of the repercussions. I dont know why. When i go to my mom and sisters for advice my mom says he is hard working and no one will love our son more than him. My sisters say he hasn't technically done anything and just give him a chance to prove himself. That not all men are like our dad and that my syory doesn't have to be the same. To not be afraid of love because it's something beautiful.

I come from a VERY Mexican traditional family. And i value and respect their opinions.

And to them if a man hasn't physically hurt you then why leave?

I feel so confused because well no one in my family has separated on good terms. Their separations were very traumatic.

So to them i have no reason to leave.

I want to be independent and live a life in which im happy. But I feel selfish. We have a son. Who is six and to him his daddy is his world and i feel like im tearing it apart for him. I also dont want to hurt my fiance. Even though he has hurt me I dont want to cause him pain. Because i love him.

From what I have seen in my family

1. Men don't stay. Men hurt you. You should not EVER fully trust a man because at any given moment he can leave.

2. A woman can be strong and do shit by herself. As a young woman you better have a job and have your shit together. As a woman you can never fully love a man because he will leave. Always stay on your guard.

3. If you do get married or proposed to it will be forever. No leaving no matter what happens.

And me. I feel all sorts of fucked up.

I want to be a strong woman for my son. I want to not depend on a man for ANYTHING. I want to thrive with my son. I can never love my fiance fully because well I did once and he fucked it up. He basically proved to me that my mom was right. When i got pregnant i was a disappointment to my family. They had sych high hopes for me and I ruined them. Then my fiance and I proved that we could face any problem and now they approve of me again. I wish i didn't have to be validated by a man. I know my family is proud of me again because even though i got pregnant i finished school with honors and continued to uni and im halfway to graduate. But recently its like a blindfold was taken off my eyes and idk how to cope.

I feel so selfish.

Thank you for taking your time for reading. I know it's A LOT. But i just honestly needed to let it out.