He doesn't love me, wants to be "friends
Im finding this pill hard to swallow but at nearly 5 years together, he doesn't love me and we have a nearly 10 month old son. He said he took a chance and married me with the hope that we would fall in love, he never felt in love with me, he is my friend. I keep thinking what wrong food did I cook or what part of the house isn't clean for him to just spring this on me. I keep thinking he wanted his dxxx sucked last night but he is my friend. He slept with me created a son and all along he was my friend. He married me in a church in front of family and friends and he's my friend. He took me on countless movies, fair grounds, dances and he's my friend. The whole time.... now he wants to move out (since he's over living with his in laws) and we are just gonna be room mates and we have a son in the hope that if I change he will fall for me... I need to change and put him first, stop talking to my family or letting them come in between us, listen to him and trust him. This is something I didn't do for 5 years. I told my dad about us being friends and he said if mum said that to him, he would tell her to fuck off... why am I holding on to a small shoe string. I would be better off a single mum with my son.... I've done everything for him 5 years wash his clothes, cook his meals, put this on a placemat with a drink, I wash clean and bathe my son, feed him all day and play...play, bathe, walk our puppy bought gifts every birthday every Christmas, he never went without even the underwear on his butt is washed and folded... we went to family portraits together and he's just been my friend... if I could tell him to suck his own d*** I would. I don't know what to think or feel and he just kissed me before so I would stop crying... I'm looking at my son sleeping helplessly and I don't know what I'm gonna be able to do if his Daddy doesn't love me... He wants to move out so I'm away from family to talk to them and so he feels like a "man" and he can tell people I'm his "wife".
Yesterday I was feeling good, I'm looking forward to my job starting on Thursday, when hubby came home he had a cooked meal ready, Connor was bathed, in his PJ and asleep. We sat watched Love Island, he starts his deal " I'm in a good mood for someone he told he was a friend to"...I took my dinner I was eating at the time, ate in my room. Then he's trying to convince me. I need to listen to him no one will love me the way that I am, a man will always want me to keep secrets (I can't keep secrets from people) and he's that kind of person. I should never get family involved in our lives, that's not couples. What really pissed me off and was icing on the cake was he said Connor was a "fluke" we never planned him, he just happened. And he said to me he worries about Connor being with me, because with being bipolar I don't think the right way sometimes... And one more think that really hurt is he said if we moved he doesn't have a new wife, but if there's no love between us it means if a woman comes along he loves he will go for them... all the while telling me "let's move out and see how it goes".
Update 2:- forcing myself to change a week at least, for some magic to make me stop crying in front of Connor so that West doesn't think I'm a bad influence, for me to not have a mood swings. One week I'm giving myself to not lie to him, to not talk to my family behind his back, keep myself secret and him, I want him to see that change. If I don't I'm sure I'll need psychiatric evaluation and then will only be allowed visitation rights to Connor. A few days ago, he said to me he wouldn't keep Connor away from me, but now with my mood swings, tears that just happen and don't stop, me not changing I won't get to see him for one day even... he told me...i would rather die or have my heart ripped out from my chest so I do... I must change... I must move out, make a change no more telling my family my life, no more involving anyone in conversations, when something comes out of my mouth, it will be an independent thought, not mum said or dad said... praying here for some miracle that we stay together that I can see Connor... please don't take away my son...I know like hubby says that what I'm saying goes in his ear and out his a** but I'm praying I can do what I'm saying... just one week of change is all I ask, food to be good, no lies, no talking behind his back about his stuff, keeping a private life, smiling, no mood swings... I pray..