I have always been a little afraid of having kids. I remember when I was little, I said I didn't want to have kids until I was 

30. I spent most of my 20's single. I focused on graduating, and my career. Along the way I read lots of articles- about lots of things, but one of the things I read about a lot was fertility. I read about how women shouldn't wait to have kids because they were only fertile for a short period of time. I read about how the statistics saying women can't have children after 35 were wrong and you only had to know when to time sex around ovulation. I still didn't want kids right then, but someday I would, so I read everything I came across. Along the way I met and married my husband. Both of us wanted kids, but not right then, we wanted to enjoy just being a married couple. In our second year of marriage, he deployed for nine months. he got back, and we had to figure out being a couple who lived together again. Still not ready for kids. During that next year, I realized I was ready - but he was not. I was still reading articles, and I came across one about an app called Glow that would help you figure out when you ovulate. Eventually we were both ready to try. I was surprised when I got my period that first month. We had sex without protection- that is supposed to get you pregnant! i decided to download the app I had read about, as I had no idea when I actually ovulated. It was great. I found a cycle buddy and we commiserated over the stressful two week wait. And then... we both got pregnant! life was great. I told my husband by giving him a children's book called "I love my Dad". We were so happy. 

For a few days. Then the tests turned negative, and I got my period just a day late. It sucked.

We kept trying and I watched from the sidelines as my former cycle buddy went through the pregnancy milestones. months passed and nothing happened. I found a new group of cycle buddies for commiseration and support. And then- another positive test! This time I confirmed with a blood test, and a few days later another blood test showed my levels were increasing. We passed the date my period was due, and started to relax a bit. My husband brought out the book I had given him and put it back on the shelf. A week later I started spotting. Blood tests confirmed a miscarriage shortly after 5 weeks. Its been hard. My husband left for work for a month shortly after. I deleted Glow from my phone because I couldn't handle so much ttc related stuff, although I did keep in touch with some of my cycle buddies outside of glow. But, I am making progress. Just this week I was able to stop hiding pregnancy/baby related posts from facebook. I also got my first period after the miscarriage, and my husband comes home this week, so it is the start of a brand new month. And I'm ready for it.