I cheated over a year ago but I still love him.

Even if I want to get back together with him. I know that's wrong. That's why I haven't reached out or tried to get him back. I cheated on my boyfriend of 2 years. More than once. The affair I guess lasted less than a month. We were long distance at the time. I'm not posting this to find validation or anything like that. I had hid the fact that I cheated for months. I ended up breaking up with him because I couldn't handle hiding it any longer or the long distance. I had told him after I broke up with him. It's been 5 months since our break up. He got a new girlfriend a month after our break up. And I tries to date after. Many times. I'm with my third boyfriend after him now. Honestly I just feel terrible to be dating him. Hes a great person and I've had a good time with him but ot feels wrong to date when I'm still very much in love with my ex. I'm not asking for answers. I just needed to get this out here. I have been becoming really depressed and suicidal lately. I dont know what to do. I recently hospitalized myself less than a week ago. I know I should regret it bit I just want to hurt myself more. I know I'll have to stop feeling guilty at some point if I want to continue my life. But sometimes I dont want to. I hate myself so much for betraying his love and trust. I hate myself for missing and loving him still even tho I say I love my boyfriend now. And I do love him but it's not the same.