Today should have been my due date and it's really hitting me hard. I feel so emotional lately when I think about how I should be bringing a baby home and instead I get nothing but an emotional rollercoaster. This was my first ever pregnancy and I was upset at first cuz in reality I wasn't ready but as the days went on I was excited and couldn't stop myself even if I tried. Went for my first check up about 10 days after I got my positive for high risk and 4 days after my first appointment I got the horrible news that I was probably gonna have a miscarriage. I was absolutely heart broken and cried for hours every damn day. My levels were rising but not doubling and I knew it was over. I spent 15 days waiting for it to happen and it was the worst 15 days of my life cuz every day that I didn't bleed or cramp gave me hope, an excruciating devastating heart breaking hope. I only told my parents sister and best friend and every one of them cried at the thought of me someone who never wanted children was actually gonna have a baby. I started with light pink spotting for a few hours then it would stop and I'm like spotting is normal even though I knew deep down this is gonna end horrible. I came home from my mom's Christmas night and went to the bathroom and there it was. The worst pain I have ever felt was now running through my entire body and I wanted to die right there on the bathroom floor. It's been 8 months and there isn't a single day that I don't think of what should have been. I'm still so angry that this had to happen to me and I feel like it was a cruel joke. I don't know how to let the hurt and anger go. I'm not the type to truly express my feelings in someone's face and will hide everything till I'm alone. Not a single person who knows about the pregnancy knows that I cry at least once a week for the last 8 months and have cried myself to sleep a few times. I survived cancer for crying out loud but my body couldn't even keep my baby safe and alive. I'm sorry it's long but no one knows what I've been though like you guys. 😔💔