So tomorrow, I'll likely be taken to urgent care by my husband. I have tried to get an appointment with my primary care doctor and they dont have any appointments until October, my OBGYN refuses to call me back or answer my calls. I go straight to voicemail and even when the receptionist for my primary tried to call them (they are in the same building) they didnt answer for them either. I guess they also dont take me after 8 weeks PP.

My son is 11 weeks old and I am having severe depression. I mean almost daily I am thinking that I'm no longer needed. That I'm just in the way, or obnoxious, or a waste of space. I beat myself up mentally when I let my MIL feed or change my son because it makes me feel like he will think she is his mommy, or that he will love her more.

When I watch her take care of my son while she is visiting, she does it so much better than me. She is able to calm him down and do things that i still struggle with and it makes me feel like he would he better off with her and not with someone like me..

I feel disgusting, like I am untouchable or not attractive anymore. My husband had friends over and they were all laughing super loud and all I could do was sit upstairs with my son and cry. I cried because I cant remember the last time I made my husband laugh like that. I cant remember the last time we actually had a long conversation or fun even before my son was born. It makes me feel so lame.

It makes me feel like my husband deserves someone who can do that for him.

/I was not upset he was enjoying his time, I was upset that I feel like he enjoys other company more than me. I did not ruin his time with them, I have not told him about those thoughts. I do NOT blame my son for me feeling lame either./

It makes me feel like they would both be better if I was dead.

Those types of thoughts have become pretty normal over the last two weeks of trying to get an appointment.

I have severe anxiety.. to the point where I had my first ever panic attack over black glue I found in my vent that I thought was black mold. It was glue from the 70s from when my home was built.

Today i watched my son sleep on the nanny cam for an hour very intently. I just had a super intense feeling of dread for no reason. I was readily expecting something to happen to my son suddenly and that if I stopped watching that he would combust? Die? SOMETHING.

I am very quick to agitate, I've always been a little bit of a hot head but I get snappy and irritated over such small stuff.

Today while i was in the bathroom after my shower i saw the razor blades we have and the first thing I thought of was "well, I can kill myself with that since I'm too scared to take pills."

The thought was almost natural, it honestly scared me.. I didnt plan it and I havent hurt myself at all. I'm scared to tell them that at the urgent care because I'm genuinely afraid they will try to involuntarily commit me to a psychiatric facility. I am afraid.. I know that if I am not honest then I will not get the help I need, but if I am honest I'm afraid they will try to lock me away..

I have not had thoughts of hurting my son, husband or anyone else. I have been having urges and thoughts of killing and harming myself only.

PS. The reason I have to go to urgent care is because we are military, and being military I guess we have to get a referral from any doctor before we will be allowed to be seen by behavioral health- Which is basically the therapists and stuff.

PPS: I have no friends. Being military I moved 2000 miles from home. My parents both died last year too so I cant talk to them or anything. I have very bad social skills, so making friends is so difficult to nearly impossible because I say stuff and people take it the wrong way, or I cant relate to stuff or judge people with them and I just bow out of the friendship because we cant click correctly. This is just for the people who say "go out with friends" lol.

Update: For the person who mentioned ASD.

It's funny you bring that up, I had just seen a video of signs of autism in children and I exhibited quite a few growing up. Like toe walking, developmentally delayed in some areas, I flex and wiggle my toes constantly. I never stop moving them unless I am asleep but I do it even while falling asleep. Eye contact isnts painful but extreme uncomfortable for me and I have a very, VERY hard time seeing other people's emotions. I have a difficult time empathizing with emotions I havent had or cant understand and some people even think I'm very naive because I dont have a natural distrust of people. I also have an unclassified learning disability with Math. No matter what I have tried, I have never understood.

I'm not sure if I have autism, and I'm not even sure if it can be helped now that I'm an adult but after some research I do exhibit a hand full of the symptoms if that means anything. Thank you for bringing that go my attention.

For everyone else, I appreciate the kind words and encouragement. Thank you for being so sympathetic towards me, I really truly needed the kind words.

I'm not sure if my husband should or shouldnt be with me while I explain my feelings. He works so hard, and I dont want him to feel like he isnt enough to make me happy. He also believes that if he is in the room I wont explain to them exactly how I am feeling. I'm not sure if he is right or wrong, honestly.