I've wanted this baby more than anything. She's our rainbow baby after two miscarriages. I love her, but not as much as I feel like I should. I've inconsolably sobbed so many times I've lost count, and she's only a week and four days old. Breastfeeding was a challenge. We had to use a nipple shield the first few days before my nipples agreed to latching. She has a great latch, but every time she starts feeding it's the most excruciating pain, dare I say worse than the majority of my contractions. I'm sobbing and crying out in pain and dreading every feeding. I'm already ready to give up on breastfeeding and just pumping exclusively for a while, or at least off my left breast. That one hurts the worst. I'm really trying not to, but I keep getting so frustrated during the constant overnight feedings. I'm exhausted even when I'm able to get 3-4 hour stretches of sleep at least twice a day. I just want a break from her being on my boobs but I can't take one.

I'm home by myself for 11 hours a day trying to figure this all out and I'm feeling like I'm just failing miserably. My husband is wonderful and supportive and so helpful when he's home, but he just started a new job and can't take time off to be home. He was back to work the day after I was discharged following my c-section. And really she's a good baby, not very fussy unless she's hungry. It's gotten a little easier since we first got home, but the nipple pain started about three days ago and it's making me so miserable.

I'm missing life before baby. I'm missing sleep. I'm missing being able to cuddle with my husband at night and relaxing without being exhausted or having to stop what feels like every five seconds to care for a newborn. And I feel horrible for feeling this way. 💔

No one ever told me how hard these first few weeks are. I keep reading how it's going to get better and easier but that feels like such a long way off. I just want to fast forward through these first few months but instead I just feel trapped. UGH. Am I alone in feeling like this? Am I just a wimp for wanting to stop breastfeeding exclusively?