He broke me.

Update for more context on the story:

Thank you to everyone who’s reached out. It’s made me feel a lot less alone and has helped me open up my eyes a little. The story came out at our school about a year ago. We both were separated and the principal tried making me switch schools to cover everything up. My ex also admitted to forcing me into oral sex but denied forcing me into sex. (The school did nothing.) The cop we talked to told me that I’d go to prison too since I have consent to some sexual activities and we were both under 18. He told me that we were both at blame and since I had a new boyfriend (my now fiancé) and since we were having sex I could also get in trouble for that. We later found out that the cop was a family friend of my ex. I think it would be nearly impossible to try and press charges since it happened so many years ago and it’s just my word against his. My fiancé is very understanding and has been the only one there for me during this whole process.

Warning: Graphic. Includes sexual abuse and abusive romantic relationships.

This is going to be a very long story. You can either bare with me or don’t it’s completely up to you. This is I guess my way of having my voice be heard without annoying everyone around me with the same story. It’s also a way for me to get it all out in writing and actually be able to process everything that happened to me.

The summer going into Junior year I was completely heartbroken. I’d met my first love and had my first sexual experiences. He taught me things that I didn’t know about myself, opened me up to try new things, and brought out a more outgoing and carefree side of me. He ultimately ended the relationship which left me devastated. I had a guy friend who went to my school who I knew liked me. He said he liked me a lot but for a while he seemed like someone I could just talk to. Someone I could depend on. He was like one of those guys you never ever thought would hurt you, very religious, always found a way to make me laugh etc. I ended up pursuing a relationship with him once summer was over because he just found a way to make me feel good. I always found myself smiling when I was with him. After a couple weeks of dating we were joint at the hip. We were always together no matter what. If he had bible study I’d go with him. If my brothers had games he’d go with me. He was my best friend. He took me on dates to the movies, or on random walks. We’d talk about life and our future. He seemed perfect. We clicked pretty well. I never fell in “love” but I did love him. After time I realized that although I loved him I just wanted to be his friend. Although we’d been dating for a couple months I really hoped that the promise we had made to each other about staying friends would follow through and he wouldn’t hate me. After I broke up with him the first time things completely changed. His family owned guns and he’d send me pictures of them lined up saying he was going to kill himself or harm others if I wouldn’t get back together with him. Me being naive and scared of what he would do never screenshotted the pictures. After dealing with other traumas in my life and still caring about him I’d get back together with him and he’d fall into the same pattern. “I’ll kill myself.” (And other more awful things that I don’t necessarily want to mention due to their severity.) by this point to everyone else at our school I looked like this awful person who was messing with this wonderful guys heart because no one knew what was going on internally in the relationship. After a couple weeks of being back together and him coming back over to my house we were sitting on my couch one night watching a movie. He took out his penis and told me that if I didn’t give him oral he wouldn’t put it away until I did. After repeatedly telling him I didn’t want to he refused to put it away. He knew that I’ve been sexually abused before. In past relationships and as a child. My brothers were so young at this point that I was terrified they’d walk into the room. I gave in to what he asked for. We broke up about a week later and the same process started. “I’ll hurt myself. I’ll hurt others..” after me trying to hold out again on the relationship I ended up giving in after being shunned at school and for being told “I lost such a great guy.” at home. When we started dating again it just got worse. I was told that no one would be able to put up with my anxieties, my body wasn’t the ideal look and he was the only one that would find me beautiful, I was crazy and no one would want me. One night at my house I consented to having sex with him. This was my first time. After being so emotionally fried I was honestly willing to do anything to get him to be happy. To treat me the way he had use to again. Once we had started I immediately started panicking all of my insecurities and anxieties came rushing to the surface. I just felt his pure weight on top of me and the most pain I’d ever felt before. It felt like I was getting ripped in half. Like my insides were burning. Sandpaper. I started crying and I begged for him to get off me. But he didn’t even look like him anymore. His face wasn’t there it was like he was gone. I kept begging for him to get off. And after pushing and screaming and saying stop he finally did. After getting up zipping up his pants and not talking to me for the next day we were officially done.

I don’t know if this is rape. I don’t know if this was my fault. I don’t know what this situation even means. I still feel like this whole relationship was my fault. If I was stronger and just ended it the first time I still wouldn’t have to bite my arm to prevent myself from screaming while having sex with my fiancé. I wouldn’t cringe and the thought of anyone even giving me a hug. Life hurts. This cloud over my shoulders hurts. & the fact that no one fucking listens to me or cares anymore hurts the most. I don’t know if I’m ever going to get over this.