Is it the same?

Question

Recently some friends of mine were trying to adopt a little special needs boy in another country. They've been going through the painstaking process for over 6 months now. They were hoping to bring him home next summer. This week they got the awful news that the boy's family backed out of the adoption. They're of course devastated. They never saw this coming. What really caught me off guard was that they compared this loss to a miscarriage. While I consider it a huge loss, I really don't think it's the same! I would never say anything to them of course, they're grieving. Their child had a wonderful outcome for the boy, he gets to stay in his culture, keep his language, and grow up with his family. It's sad that they are hurting so much though. But I don't think it's the same. Their child lives, miscarriages do not. What do you all think? Is it the same as a miscarriage?

Answer

I lost my 4 day old son and I have had a miscarriage and I would not be offended if they compared their grief to that.  They had a boy they thought they were bringing home and then all of a sudden they weren't.  Their grief is real and their feeling of loss is too.

Answer

It's not for anyone else to say or judge their experience. They thought they were about to become parents, they were counting down the days, and the now the dream is gone.

Answer

Their love for that child is no less than the love I have for my unborn child. Maybe more since they have been working towards this adoption for much longer. I think it's unfair to say their pain is less. If someone has opened their hearts to a child through adoption they love that child instantly. Seeing pictures of him and maybe even meeting him in person would create a bond.

Answer

To them it is losing a child whether the boy died or not. It's not for anyone else to judge their emotions because we're not in their shoes

Answer

I feel like the results on this are a little skewed as many women on Glow have experienced miscarriage but never a failed adoption. My aunt had an ectopic pregnancy and became infertile. She tried for many years to adopt before finally getting her daughter through the legal/foster system (birth mom was an alcoholic).

Before that though, she came extremely close to adopting a baby girl. Our family had had a baby shower and everything only for her to be told at the last minute she would  never bring home that baby home. How is that not utterly devastating?

My point is, I think it's impossible to compare the two especially if you have never been in the situation. I think you were right to keep your opinions to yourself. They are parents grieving the loss of a child.

Answer

I do think that would be extremely painful and devastating, but I am not sure I'd consider it the exact same as a miscarriage. Their feelings are still valid and they will need to grieve!

Answer

Comparing to a miscarriage is extreme. The boy didn't die.

Answer

In a away it sort of is. The failed adoption means they will never have that child like a miscarriage but a miscarriage is a much more traumatic experience then a failed adoption would be.

Answer

I'm glad you kept your opinion to yourself. None the less, they are mourning a loss of a child just as if someone who has had a miscarriage would be. They fell in love with the idea of a child that they hadn't met yet, just like an actual pregnancy situation! To love a child is to love a child, especially when the child will be yours!

Is it the same?

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