Sorry for the very long post Anyone have any tips on how to deal with PTSD. sometimes I have these terrible dreams of being raped and it effects how I sleep and I get so depressed. I do my best to deal with it in a healthy way by writing in a journal or talking about it. I just don't want it to consume me anymore.

Story time: I was in a relationship for almost a year before being dumped. I had a family friend who was like an older brother to me and lived up near San Francisco. He would always tell me and our other friends to go up and visit so he could show us around. Me not thinking anything of it I went by myself. I figured he's like a brother to me everything will be fine. My mom knew and trusted him because he is one of her best friends sons. I didn't tell my dad or step mom because I knew they'd say no. (I was 19 at the time) I flew out and spent a few days out there. The first day was cool hung out with him and his roommate we'd go out to dinner and drink. Second day he had work (part of the coast guard) so I spent the day with his neighbor and she was super nice. We went to a winery during the day and went to dinner after. The third day he promised we'd hang out just me and him all day. I thought nothing of it because we grew up together. That day he took me around SF we drove back to his place showered went to go eat with some of his friends and for whatever reason he did not want me to drink that night at dinner. He was in a rush to hurry and get home and said we could drink back at his place. I found it odd but didn't really think nothing of it. When we got back to his place we got there a few min before his roommate. He made me 1 drink and we took 1 shot when his roommate walked in. After his roommate went to bed. We talked and had a good time talking and laughing. I remember talking a little bit about what happened with me and my ex. I was still on my first drink and only had that one shot when he asked if I wanted another one so I said yes. (I've always been a big drinker. Not really a light weight) after that second shot I blacked out. In total I had 2 shots and 1 drink can't really even tell you if I drank the entire thing. I woke up the next morning feeling funny my body felt so heavy and numb I felt like I was hit by a bus. When I realized I was next to him naked I panicked but fell back asleep. Woke up to him back on top. I had no energy to move or push him off I was in and out of consciousness. Trying to calm myself down I told myself in my head I wanted it it's ok just go with it you fly back home today (dumb of me but I was scared and he was stronger than me I froze) he finished. Again gets on top of me in a few hours and I'm still in and out of sleep feeling numb literally. And he asked if I was on bc and I said no and so playing along and still trying to put pieces together I said you didn't ask me last night and he said I did but you didn't answer. He left and got me planned b while he did that I found the energy to sit up and realized I at some point puked all over his bed and I had throw up all over my hair. I had ugly bruises all between my thighs and knees. My bag of clothes was thrown and scattered all around the room. And I just remembered sitting there and crying. He got back gave me food and the pill so I took it. After that I wasn't feeling good so I decided to lay back down the entire time I sat away from him. I felt so insecure and embarrassed. I was ashamed of myself and still trying to put the pieces together. I went back to sleep because I figured sleeping would make time go by faster since that was the day I was flying home. I woke up to him on top of me again and I just laid there at that point I felt so low of myself. Once he finished I showered. I threw up in the shower I cried so much and lost so much hair. Chunks and chunks of hair kept falling out. I felt so weak and shaky finally it was time to leave and I flew home. I told very few friends about what happened. My mom and step dad questioned my legs and asked why the bruises were so ugly and I said I fell at work. My mom didn't believe me but never bothered asking more into it. A month later I was late on my period and when I finally got it I put a tampon and pad on while I was at work and when I got home I bled through the tampon pad and my pants. I kept this to myself for almost a year. This incident happened about a month before my dad passed away. Which is why I kept it for so long because I was so depressed. My now boyfriend had convinced me to tell my mom step mom and step dad because I broke down to him before we started dating. He was so supportive (very angry at the guy) but was do loving and accepting to me. I deal with nightmares of being raped either by that guy or random mean. My boyfriends woken me up to me screaming or panicking in my sleep. I've flipped out on my boyfriend one time when I was drunk because he touched my arm after that is when I decided that it's best if I don't drink or just limit myself.

I need help with dealing with this wound. I'm thankful that my boyfriend is patient and loving. I have friends and my step mom who I can talk to about this but my own mother avoids the subject. And still hangs out with his mom (she knows I told her right after telling my family) and honestly I think that's a big part of why I haven't healed. It hurts seeing my mom be friends with his mom and never being on my side. When I first told her she blamed me for what happened because I had 1 drink and 2 shots. She was against me telling his mom and kept trying to convince me not to tell her because it'd destroy her. After I told his mom it was an on and off battle with me and my mom because I would get angry at the fact that she always brought up his mom and how she's depressed. Never really asked about me. Got mad at me and my boyfriend because my boyfriend messaged the guys girlfriend and told her what he did to me. I think aside from being raped not having my mom support me is adding on to my depression, nightmares, and panic/ anxiety attacks. Anyone have any ideas on how i can move on and deal with my PTSD. Sorry for the long story