I have got myself in such a mess and I can't talk to anyone about it

*EDIT - thank you for your honest comments, as brutal as they are I think I needed them. I have blocked A's number and on all social media with no explanation so he can't get in contact with me when he's drunk and feeling low. I am focusing on my husband and our family and haven't looked back.*

Back in 2016, I was engaged to T and had already made wedding plans. A venue was booked, a lot of money spent, etc.

I met someone else (A), and I don't know what it is about him but it is so intense I have never felt anything like it. We never slept together, just kissed and held each other but the tension was unreal. He didn't want me to get married, gave me ultimatums until eventually I decided I couldn't break T's heart, hurt my family & throw all that money down the drain so I married T in 2017.

Me and A didn't speak for a long time, but he sent me a drunk text in 2018 about his feelings for me and I replied, next thing I know we are meeting up and back to the way we always were. The spark never goes away and again we are kissing and holding each other.

I then found out I was pregnant. My son was always T's baby, I have never slept with A. So I had to tell A I was pregnant and it broke his heart, and mine, as we had to do the right thing and go our separate ways again as I had a family on the way.

I was so happy with T and our family, I still thought about A but we didn't speak, he left me to it and I left him to his life.

About a month ago now, A sent me a drunk message about how I've ruined every girl for him, since me he hasn't met anyone that gives him the same feelings, he was falling in love with me and no one is the same. I shouldn't have replied but I did, and since then we have met a couple of times and after all this time our feelings are still so intense and our kiss is so passionate like nothing I've ever felt.

To throw another spanner in the works, I am 11 weeks pregnant with T's second baby. I know I should tell A but I know it will mean I don't see or speak to him again for another year or longer.

It's clear to me that I made the wrong choice in 2017 but there is absolutely nothing I can do about it now. My husband is such a lovely man, the best dad and a provider. But I don't know if I am in love with him. Why can't I feel for him the way I feel for A?! This is a mess!