Is my relationship with my boyfriend's daughter offensive? Mothers that co-parent how would you feel?

Question

Okay so I met my now boyfriend when we were both 20 and at the time his daughter was 8 months. We've  had an on and off friends with benefits type relationship for years however, were just now forming a much serious relationship at age 23. So I've basically watched his daughter grow up she's now 3 and she's an amazing little girl. My boyfriend has recently moved in with me and his daughter comes over a few times a week. I feel like we are starting to bond and I am becoming attached especially since I practically help him raise her. Anyways the other night after bath time I was painting her nails and she randomly calls me mom. He thought it was okay and I honestly thought nothing was wrong with it until her mom made a post on Facebook about it. She said that I was trying to turn their daughter against her because she told her that she wanted to go see "daddy and her other mommy" let me just say that I know I'll never be her mother and I would never make or force her to call me mom but I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong? He's my boyfriend and he's often tired after work so of course I'll help out with taking care of his daughter as much as I can. There seems to be a lot of drama going on and the idea that she sleeps in the bed with us has also become a huge issue. I personally felt that this was a little weird at first but my boyfriend insisted that it was okay and we don't have sex or do anything inappropriate while she sleeps with us. She's now saying he can't see his daughter and while I feel like I haven't done anything wrong I also feel like all of this is somewhat my fault? I honestly don't know what to do. I'm contemplating ending our relationship because I don't want to be the reason he doesn't see his daughter. He's a great dad and it's hurting him so much I feel like I should've set boundaries. My friends are saying it's highly offensive and I shouldn't have allowed her to call me mom or the whole sleeping in the bed thing. What do I do? Please help.

Accepted Answer

Yeah, you’re not her mom. You’re not her stepmom. You’re her father’s girlfriend so I can understand why people see this as inappropriate. She’s too young to understand on her own but next time she calls you mom you could smile and say “my name is *______* you silly goose!” and that should stop the “mom” business. Also at 3 years old she really should not be sleeping in the bed with you two. She needs to have some independence and boundaries. 
23 is awfully young, so I know you probably won’t want to hear some of the advice you’re going to hear but you have to trust those of us who have been there before. You are NOT raising her in any way, you’re caring for her while she’s at her dad’s house and he’s unable for whatever reason. That’s not raising. Her mom is raising her, her dad has visitation, and you’re there with him. Raising a child is more than baths a nail painting and going to the park. That’s all great stuff but it’s not raising her. Your role is undefined, and it’s great that you’re taking the initiative to get to know her. It really is. But you need to know the difference
All that being said, the mom is being immature AF by blasting you on social media when all it sounds like you’re doing is trying to bond with and love her daughter. She should be so lucky, a lot of people treat their SO’s children like garbage. With maturity comes the realization that the more people who love your child, the better off your child is. The mother isn’t ready to hear that yet. If she has some kind of problem with you she should talk to you woman to woman, not on social media. But again, that will come with maturity
Long story short, while his daughter is on his time, he can expose her to you all he wants. Her mother can bitch about it but it’s his right and it doesn’t sound like you are doing anything detrimental to her whatsoever. But I would do everything you can to get her to stop calling you mom, because that’s not right or fair. Also, you guys need to get her out of your bed!

Answer

I’m sorry but I’ve got to agree with your friends. I’m mean, I don’t think it was offensive, but definitely inappropriate. 
You are her dads girlfriend, not his wife. Up until recently your relationship ship with her dad was friends with benefits which hardly means you’ve helped raise this little girl. 
If the girls mother was not in the picture at all and you were the only mother figure in her life, sure, it might be okay for her to call you Mum. But only if you were a permanent part of her life and were actually raising her. 
As an adult, it was up to you to correct her and tell her that she has one mummy but you’ll be there for her and care about her. 
Also, the sleeping in the same bed thing would really upset me if she was my daughter.

Answer

I’m not a step-parent but as a kid who went through multiple sets of partners (Foster Kid) calling someone mom at a young age wasn’t because I thought they were my REAL BIRTH MOTHER. 
I called them mom; because I had made the connection to associate caring for me and the showing me attention and helping me, and supporting me as something a mom does. 
I personally feel like all of these ladies saying you’re in the wrong for letting her call you mom are petty.
I’d be hurt a bit, yes, if my boys called someone else mom, but I would also have respect for that person they called mom. Because that means that my little sees them as someone that loves and cares for them just as much as I do. 
You have been there for this little one since practically the beginning so, to me it doesn’t matter if your just a girlfriend. You are obviously caring for her and not just watching her if she has associated you as a mother figure. 
Mothers don’t watch their kids; they care and show unconditional love and support. Which sounds like you do. 
*** To all you step-moms reading this. You are petty asf if you think she’s in the wrong and doesn’t deserve or isn’t mature enough to be called mom by a little 3yr old who knows no difference. 
There are so many great people who aren’t moms and care for kids who would make a better mom than most moms out there.
I’m sorry this little ones real mother can’t get over herself. But sounds like you are a positive influence on this little girl.

Answer

No offense but her mother deserves To be called mom. She is her MOM. Yes there are step parents and they are great. U are dads girlfriend and your relationship just became serious.  Sleeping with each other for fun isn’t relationship. I would of smacked you and ur bf for allowing this. It’s not okay to be called mom when she has a MOM. that’s great u nice to her more power to you. For not see the offense in this is why u shouldn’t be called mom in any way.

Answer

As a mother myself I would of been very upset if any of my kids called someone else mom. Even though she's only little and doesn't understand I think you should of corrected her.

Answer

My son calls my boyfriend daddy and he's 4. One day he just said "I love you daddy" and we just left it alone. He know thinks he has two dads and that is one of the first things he will tell you. He thinks its really coll to have 2 dads. I can't wait for his dad to find a women that decides to love and treat my child as his own. I have an ex that is the only ex I still talk to because he still takes my son fishing and still is there for sport and my son calls him uncle jordan. When the birth parents are not together they should be prepared to see the other with someone else and for that person to hopefully become a positive and helpful part of that child's life. When my son's dad found out and ha was not happy and started drama just like this but we continue to be out family.
Even if you are not permanent in his life theres nothing that says you are not permanent in her life.

Answer

You should be correcting her, I don’t agree with encouraging young children to call other ppl mum or dad. By saying nothing that’s saying ok and you’ve been on n off with this guy not in a serious relationship for the 3 yrs. the mother however has no right to withhold the child and no judge is going to care if the kid calls you mum

Answer

If you didn't say anything to her and she decided on her own you were her "other mommy",  I don't see how you crossed any boundaries. Kids make up their own minds about the world they live in and everyone's place in it. The bed sharing I could see crossing a line but that was his call, not yours. That's a discussion he needs to have with the biological mother. 
That sounds like a manipulation tactic on her part but he should prepare to fight for custody if there isn't already a legal arrangement.

Answer

Honestly I don't see anything wrong with it. This mom seems insecure. If you get married she's going to call you mom anyway, and kids that young can't really tell the difference anyway if you're always around them like that. I was a nanny for years for 2 little boys, one since he was just born, and they called me mom all the time because I was just always around them, even though both parents were still married and very much present in their lives. It's just a child's way of letting you know how close you are to them.

Answer

Okay but her dad is okay with it. He is her father just as much as the mother is her mother. If he is in a serious relationship with him and practically is her step mom it is up to him what she is aloud to call her. If she had a step dad I'm sure the mother would have part in what he is called or what he is to her. She spends half her time with her. She should not have made some childish ass post too. That is so fucking dumb, if she has a problem she should calmly talk about it to the father. Not act like a child.

Is my relationship with my boyfriend's daughter offensive? Mothers that co-parent how would you feel?

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