Rocks in my chest, knives in my heart

I see you. I know. Pain, without the overthinking, the fear, the anxiety that comes with it, is a raw emotion. Most times you don’t see it coming. It usually hits you all at once, without warning. I’m not talking about the type of pain that is very slow and progressive over time. I’m talking about that sudden emotion to a sudden life change. You can’t avoid it in life, no matter how hard you work to have your life together. It’s a part of living, an emotion nonetheless. Everything could be going really really good; and then suddenly seem to crumble and fall apart at your feet. You know what I’m talking about, it’s happened to everyone. We shout and scream and ask God why and cry and pray to reverse it. Praying desperately in hopes you’re in a dream or it can be undone. And that’s perfectly okay. We almost can’t help it. And if your anything like me, there feels like there’s no time or room to actually deal with the pain, only in your room at night with your door closed off to the world. You know that you can’t carry it into the next day, because that would only create chaos and throw whats around you off balance. You don’t allow yourself to bring any leftover emotions from the night into the next day. Wake up in the morning with tears in your eyes, look in the mirror, say a prayer, and tell yourself you can’t let it affect you. You know that God is a miracle worker. But deep down, you also know that doesn’t mean he’s gonna give you exactly what you’re begging to be undone or reversed. You know this is part of his plan. You’ve seen it in the past. But right now all you want is for things to go back. I see you surfing through Pinterest looking at bible verses and quotes, trying to find something to grasp on to. Anything at all. Listening to the songs, praying to God to give you hope, to wrap his arms around you in a blanket and let you disappear for a little while. You trick yourself into thinking your alone. Pain itself, is normal; but as humans we put all those other things into it, such as thinking about it constantly and over scrutinizing all the details. That’s when it’s the messiest. You know it can’t be reversed, you just hope to God he’ll bring the good back. Let me tell you something, there IS hope. God will NEVER put you through pain that doesn’t have a purpose, a better outcome. I know it feels like the earth is shaking, your world is crumbling and so are you, but look up. God loves you far too much to leave or abandon you. You have to trust him. You can be happy. God is looking upon you right now, and thinking “Child, if you only knew the big picture. The blessings that are coming. If you just trust Me” You see, the crumble, is necessary for the new light to shine through. It hurts so bad and you think that it’s so easy for me to talk about; that I have no idea what your going through. Maybe I don’t know. But I know pain. I write this as my world just got turned upside down and my insides feel like they’re scrambled, to remind myself. Sick to my stomach, sobbing and rocking at night with my mouth open and covered, trying not to make any noise. Tears soaking my bed. I understand. The getting up the next day putting on a smile and doing all the duties of life. It will be okay. God won’t leave you. He’s carrying you. You are in his arms. He loves you far more than you will ever understand. For me, I hate this foreign part. Of not knowing what comes next. You finally felt like it was all coming together, after the storm. You got comfortable. You were happy and everything was going good for once. Then the clouds came all at once and a hurricane came down. This is uncomfortable, I know. It hurts, I know. I’m not downplaying it at all. It’s ok to hurt. It’s ok to grieve and feel the pain. It’s natural. But you will smile again. You have a greater blessing coming. Give yourself some grace.

I know not everyone may have the same beliefs as me. If you don’t then please don’t comment. Be respectful of mine. This is just what I believe. :)