Long post! September baby, Induction/labor story, NICU, PPD

I have been struggling with oligohydramnios since like 30 weeks or so. I was so afraid and stressed to be induced when I was suppose to talk to my OB about it Monday I broke down in trears. My OB wouldn't do a cervix check until I was 39 weeks (so Thursday). I went to my MFM appointment Wednesday and while her BPP and NST scan were great my fluids got under 5 so my oligohydramnios was getting me induced. He called over to my OB to confirm a gameplan. I was so stressed because the fear of induction (and I'm a workaholic so I wanted to atleast clean off my desk, but really I wanted to finished off a few other projects).

I got to the hospital Wednesday around lunch still obviously not wanting to be induced, but the thought of a still birth wins over this fear. The midwife who I really like checked my cervix and I was not dialated like at all (38w 6d). I had two different medicines on Wednesday one under the tongue and one later inserted vaginally. The contractions weren't bad as long as I was able to be monitored on the birthing ball the "labor bed" or labor platform as I call it because it is not a bed caused me the majority of my pain during my stay.

The next day when the nylon whatever medicine was removed and my cervix checked I was 2 cm dialated and thin. So they gave me options foley ball or start pitocin. I was wary of the foley ball at first but since it can speed up labor so much I was in it got me to 4cm in under an hour (like 50 minutes). Then I requested my epidural and about an hour after the epidural they started pitocin. I slept like a boss and it was amazing! I woke up and my epidural contractions made me feel like I had to poop. The need to poop sensation was constant and so the midwife came in and I begaan pushing.

After about 42 minutes of pushing at 11:33 pm Thursday September 26, 2019 my 8 lb 11 oz baby girl was on my chest she had great color and I was so in love, but she kept coughing and not crying. The nurses took her to the incubator in room and they still couldn't get her properly breathing. They called for help and at least 20 people came rushing in they took my little girl to the NICU. I was crushed -- I was done -- I was and still am the saddest I have ever been. The midwife was like "hey you still have work to do" because I had not yet pushed out my placenta. So I peed on the bed because baby had been blocking my bladder for a good 2 or 3 hours and my catheter for the epidural wasn't working and then the placenta followed.

The staff was amazing and trying to make me happy, but all I wanted was my baby back. I stayed up that first full night crying and in deep despair nurses and the midwife got me information as often as they could and tried to make me eat because my cries were haunting. At 4:30am my nurse came in with a wheel chair and said we could see our girl I jumped out of the bed like I didn't just have a baby 5 hours ago and my nurse was like "woah we have to check your vitals first." We got there the head of NICU gave us the worst case scenario and I cried so much. Because my daughter is in the NICU and not with me I feel like I am being robbed of the joys of all my baby's firsts -- I don't feel like a mom and it's soul crushing.

Now she's breathing much better and probably has pneumonia. But I am still the saddest I have ever been. The staff urged me to start talking Zoloft because between being a NICU mom, history of anexity, and constant crying they were all genuinely worried about my emotional well being.

I just want people to be aware of the possibility of post partum depression because while having a history of general anexity I have never had depression.