I hate myself

It's been 3months 3weeks and 3 days since we lost our baby. Everyday I've cried, I've still told him good morning and good night, that I loved him and missed him, that I was sorry that I let this happen to him. I've hated myself every day for going to bed that night since I had thought to myself that I should stay up. Yesterday I hated myself a little more because I couldn't remember crying the day before. I started going thru what I had done that day and just couldn't remember a moment when I had cried that day, and then I cried because I hadn't cried about my baby. I felt awful. I hate myself daily for not doing more for my baby, for not putting an outfit on just to see what it looked like even if it didn't fit, for not taking more pictures, for not knowing there were baby movement monitors that monitored the baby's breathing, but most of all not listening to the one thought that night that I should have.