I don’t know what I want

Kind of long post..

Since getting pregnant I had wondered how long I’d want/be able to stay working since I’m constantly standing, lifting, and bending at my job. And now since miscarrying I’ve wondered if I even want to go back at all. 1. I just don’t want to be at work right now and not for a while 2. I don’t think I want to still be there while ttc again or when I do become pregnant again. In the few weeks i was pregnant I felt terrible at work. It felt like it had already become too much for my body to handle and it was scary thinking “what if this hurts my baby?” “What if this is too much?” However, I’d feel guilty quitting and leaving my SO to take on every bill. I mean he pays the majority as it is. All I take care of are utilities since that’s what I’m able to contribute. I know that he’d probably be understanding about it especially since I spent two years as a stay at home mom before starting work and it was the plan for me to stay home again after our baby had been born. But still I’d feel bad for not doing my part. Is it selfish for me to not want to go back to work? I haven’t brought up any of my thoughts to my SO because I’m still unsure of what I’m thinking/feeling and how I’d bring it up.