Broken and Torn

Hey.... this going to be long post.

I don’t really use this app to look for answers but I really need mature advice for I don’t talk to much people about my problems or if I do it’s never mature advice. I was in a long distance relationship for 4 years but been with the guy for 5 years. We visited each other quite often. I loved him dearly and despite the things I heard or he told me he did in his past I put it behind me. I thought this relationship was going to be my last but apparently........

February 2014 when we first got together I became pregnant for him. I ended up having an abortion because he said it was too much and he had 1 year then. I convinced myself that having the abortion was the right choice because I was going back to school........

During our first 2 years together he took a female out on a date something I didn’t know about until the female he took out on the date told her friend which happened to be my uncle’s girlfriend and of course she told me. I confronted him about it and he lied at first until I came with evidence and he told the truth. Yes, he did take that female out on a date. I don’t know if it was more than a date or just dinner (regardless it was wrong because he didn’t tell me). He would go out and take females with him or driving them around because they had no ride.

Sometimes when he gets really drunk he would put his hands on me. This happened twice in our relationship. Of course I forgive him for everything because I saw how sorry he was. The relationship went well until December 2017. When he started lying. December 2017 my cousin told me he saw him with a female (let’s call her Suzan) in his lap I confronted him and of course he cursed me out about why I’m listening to others etc. ( the person who told me they saw him happened to be a cousin he didn’t know but he knew him). I let that slide.

February 2018 we took a road trip and during that trip the female starting calling him on face time. I asked him who is that person and he told me it’s his partner and he doesn’t want to answer because he doesn’t want the person to know where he was (all this time we were headed back from the trip). All in all he didn’t want the other female to know. After I cursed his ass out. I have him the silent treatment but also let that slide.

May 2018 he took her on a trip. A trip he told me he was going with the boys. Instead he was living his best life with her. After the weekend trip he was suppose to come by me for a week. So his plans were to spend the weekend with her and fly to me once the trip was over. But I found out about that trip and he ended up not spending the week with me but spent it somewhere else. For the entire May we didn’t talk but I missed him so much and I loved that man so much I decided to let things slide and talk to him and rekindle our relationship.

Fast forward to September 2018 he came by me to visit and during that visit another female called my cell phone looking for him. Telling me how he was by her and he told her he was going back home when I’m actuality he was coming by me. That female called my phone about 4 times midnight looking for him. I have no idea how she got my number etc. I asked him why were he over by her and he told me he went to pick up some clothes. Mind, all then we 4 years into a relationship and he visiting another female to get clothes he left behind years ago. Anyways, I cried my eyes out that night. But I still forgive him.

Here comes 2019 - he and Suzan still together everything he denied. I still stayed because I loved him. His grandmother passed and Suzan accompanied him to her funeral. I didn’t know about this until my friend told me. Graduated with my masters degree and he didn’t come because he had to work but was seen out with Suzan the same night of my graduation by my friend (she called me and told me how she’s here watching my bf drunk all over her). Then he started taking marriage with me stronger than ever.

June 2019 I got tired of his lies and I messaged the Suzan because there were pictures of them surfacing with him on her IG etc. I sent her a Facebook message and she told me they been together for 2years and living in an apartment together. Etc. my heart shambles and at that very moment I knew I had to do something.

This guy would curse me out and at the same time charm me and made me feel loved. He hurt me to my soul until I was so lost and confused.

Now he’s trying to reenter my life talking about the devil is the reason for all of this and he’s a good man and God blesses me with him for reason.

Ladies I need grown advice. I am lost. I don’t know if I should take him back because he making me feel guilty talking about I should see the bigger picture (making it seem like long distance relationship is to blame) and he a man. I broke things off in June but he calls and when he do he acts like everything is okay and I shouldn’t be upset. He also told me to put things behind and start over.

I do not love him anymore. He lost my trust, love everything. People think I have everything together but they don’t know the half I’ve been through with him.

Sorry for grammar etc. it’s not the easiest posting on here. Especially when typing fast.